No, I Do Not Have A Mirror In My Pocket

When I go out in public alone, I often get hit on. Whether it be the guy who's serving my food, or the guy standing behind me in line, even the girl walking past me, it happens. Which is unfortunate, because it's fucking annoying. Although I won't lie, it does give a girl a confidence boost. However, what's annoying is how the guy-or sometimes girl-goes about it.

I was standing in line for some food yesterday, and the guy behind me tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You are more beautiful than even Princess Leah, my dear." Um.... Holy shit, you're nerdy as fuck. Like, did you really just say that to me? Do I look like someone who watches Star Wars all day and plays with action figures, living in my parents' basement 'til I'm thirty? Nope, didn't think so! Now, this is just one example of the atrocities I've heard that boys like to call "Pick-Up Lines." Here are some examples:

• "Hey there, hot stuff!" This does not make me attracted to you. It makes me want to laugh at you. Seriously, are you 12?
• *Whistling and cat calls* Seriously, any guy who does this is a douche. You can't even walk up and offer a general compliment? No, you keep your distance and hit on a girl, pussy style. Let me show you my middle finger. Douche.
• Cheesy Pick-Up Lines. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" "Is there a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can totally see myself in your pants." Yes, both of those lines have been used on me. Yes, both times I laughed and just walked  away. THAT DOES NOT WORK. I don't know who started that trend, but he deserves to be hanged and then thrown into a pit of velociraptors. He's that stupid.

Boys, There are ways to pick up a girl without being a cheesy-as-fuck douche. There really are. Let me tell you the easiest way. It really is so easy. Start a conversation with the girl. When you go to part ways, ask for her number. It's that easy! Really, it is! Now, when you start this conversation, do not EVER at any part mention sex, how much money you have, the weather, or what a bitch your ex is. Seriously. Those are some major turn-offs that make you look like a douche.

Don't know how to strike up a conversation? Well first, you are socially awkward and you should probably just walk away. Second, all you have to do is compliment her. Tell her that her shirt looks nice, or you like her hair cut. Be honest though. Don't lie about something just to get her to talk to you. She WILL know that you are lying. Girls are smart like that. (I know. Girls? Smart about anything other than making sandwiches? What a surprise!) Find something you genuinely like (NOT her boobs or ass) and compliment her on it. Then ask how her day is, and continue from there. Be natural, don't force the conversation. Otherwise you're gonna make it really awkward.

If you are trying to hit on a girl or compliment her, and she responds all bitchy, drop it. DO NOT pursue her. I have seen guys continually try to talk to a girl when she's giving short smart-ass responses. Really buddy, just stop. You are embarrassing yourself, and making yourself look desperate. Stop.

As a last little note, if a girl comes up to you dressed like a skank, asking if she can offer you any service, don't fall for it. She's probably trying to sell you something you don't need. Like tupperware. Or a BJ. Or Herpes.

Fuck You, Razor

I have never met anyone who is more accident prone than I am. It is fucking ridiculous. Here are some examples:

1. When I was 9, I cut my thumb off carving a pumpkin. You'd think that by 9 I would know how to use a knife. Apparently not.
2. When I was 11, I fractured my wrist playing baby dolls with my sister. Really?? The safest game a little girl could play, and I fracture my wrist doing it. What. The. Fuck.
3. In 6th grade, while playing basketball, the ball came and hit my hand in a way so perfect as to tear all the ligaments in my thumb. Fucking fantastic.
4. In seventh grade, during sewing class, I sewed through my finger. As if that wasn't enough, when I went and told my mom what happened (she worked at my school), she gave me a tissue to wrap it in. A tissue that she had earlier blown her nose in. Disgusting. And extremely unhygienic.
5. When I was a teenager, I dropped our trash can on my foot, and it completely severed the end of my big toe. Holy fuck, that hurt like hell. Shoes? No, thanks.
6. I have tendonitis in my wrists so bad that they required surgery, putting me in a full arm cast for 10 weeks the same year I should've gone to state for swimming. Instead, I was at home, high on pain meds with a neon orange cast. Fuck you, tendons.

Now that you have a history of all the shit that has happened to me, let me tell you about my most recent encounter.

So this morning, I'm taking a shower, minding my own business, shaving my legs and BAM! The razor slips and I slice off my fingernail. MY FINGERNAIL!! Seriously??? Who fucking does that??? Only I would slice off my fingernail while taking a shower. And this wasn't even a sharp, nice razor. It's one of those shitty disposable ones! It can't shave the hair on my legs on the first try, but in a split second it can slice off my fingernail, no problem. What the fuck??

So I have a job where I type a lot, and I get to work, and my finger hurts. Obviously. Everyone knows that fingernail injuries are the worst injuries. They fucking hurt. And there's nothing you can do about it! There is nothing to relieve the pain, you just have to wait for months on end for your fingernail to grow back. It fucking sucks. So now I'm at work, with 3 band-aids on my finger to help relieve the pain that overcomes my finger every time I have to press a key. It's gonna be a long fucking day.

You are the Definition of Filth

I am pretty adamant about having good hygiene. I feel disgusting if I don't take a shower every day. I feel even worse if I don't wash my hands after going to the bathroom. Seriously, that's fucking disgusting. Wash your fucking hands.

There is nothing more disgusting to me than when I'm in a public restroom, washing my hands, and someone walks out of the stall and right out the door. Seriously?? You just went to the bathroom, and stuck your hands all up in your business to wipe yourself, and you aren't going to wash your hands?? You disgust me.

When I see these people, walking out of the bathroom with their nasty shit hands, I have to stop myself from gagging. I think about their life, and think about how disgusting they are, and I want to start dry heaving. I picture their house and think, "You are a hoarder. There is no way your house isn't filled with moldy food wrappers and thousands of ugly knick-knacks, housing thousands of mice with their nasty little mice babies, eating their way through your mess of a home. You probably don't take showers, and even if you tried, you couldn't, because your bathtub is filled with more shit that you're hoarding. I'm also sure that you have some serious B.O. because you obviously don't have any idea what personal hygiene or deodorant are." Seriously. That's what I imagine. It's disgusting.

Wash your fucking hands. If you don't know how, here's a guideline to teach you. You're welcome.

And if you don't want to count to 15, you can always sing the ABC's. That should add a little excitement to your hand washing party.



Relationships Are For Smart People and Love, Not To Have Someone To Yell At.

I am not the relationship guru. I am no matchmaker, and I am, for the most part, not someone people generally go to for advice in their relationships. However, I do have some points of view on relationships that I feel are pretty basic, and should be followed. I'm going to explain them.

1. If you are constantly yelling at each other and fighting, just break the fuck up. You obviously aren't happy.
2. If you are in an on-again-off-again relationship, just stop. Just break up. If it didn't work out the first time, it's not going to work out the second, third, or tenth time either. Obviously, there are some issues that will never be settled.
3. Why the fuck do people cheat?? If you wanna date/have sex with someone else, break up!!! Obviously, monogamy is not for you. Dumb ass..
4. If you are constantly complaining to your friends about your boyfriend or girlfriend, just break up. No matter what you say to yourself, you are unhappy.
5. Don't get married after dating for one month. Learn about each other, take your time! There's no rush!! If you are meant to be together forever, you will be, whether you get married now or 50 years from now.
6. Be honest. If the person you are dating can't handle the truth, whether it be about who you've dated or how many people you've fucked, than they can't handle you. The truth will come out sooner or later, so you might as well start the relationship honestly.
7. If your friends don't like the person you're dating, you probably shouldn't either. They can see the relationship from a different view, and they can see how happy you are and how you're being treated! Listen to them, even if it's not what you want to hear.

Now, I'm not saying I haven't done any of the above mentioned things. Except cheat. I've never cheated. However, I learned from those things, thus why I'm passing them along to you. I've been through it, and seen my friends go through it, and generally, if you do any of the above, it's not gonna work out. There are rare exceptions, yes, but usually... No. Just... No. Seriously... If you aren't happy, don't stay with the person. Find someone who makes you happy not angry, be the couple that people look at and say, "they're perfect" not the couple that people look at and say, "I give them 2 weeks."

To those couples who yell at each other for hours over stupid shit, seriously, just shut the fuck up and leave each other alone. Everyone is sick of listening to you.

And also, if your boyfriend or girlfriend is beating the fuck out of you, grab your shit and leave. You deserve better.

Turkey Day... Or In My Case, Chicken!

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and oh, what a wonderful day it was!

Every year for Thanksgiving, families get together, watch football and the parade, and chit chat about life and who's doing what. Relatives brag about how awesome their children are doing, and talk about the latest gossip from childhood friendships. This year, my Thanksgiving was a little different.

My extended family-grandmas and grandpas, cousins, and my mom-all live in Oregon/Idaho. I live in Utah, as do my parents. My parents took vacation to go see the family and spend Thanksgiving with them, something we do almost every year. Unfortunately, I had to work on Black Friday, and was not able to go with them. Originally, it was planned I would spend Thanksgiving with Andrew and his family. However, his family went to California... Without him. So here we are, neither of us had ever spent a Thanksgiving away from our families, and I have no idea how the hell to cook a turkey. What the hell do we do now?

Despite our lack of experience cooking a Thanksgiving dinner-or really any dinner, for that matter, because neither of us is a master of the kitchen-we decided to take on the challenge and cook our first Turkey day dinner, unsupervised and alone.

I thought for sure we were going to burn the house down.

We made a list of everything we would need, and Andrew did the shopping. In my family, multiple days were spent preparing for Thanksgiving. If it could be made in advance, it was. There was no way in hell I was going to spend days making dinner. Nope, I was planning on cramming it all into one day. I mean, it was only Andrew and me that were going to be eating. It couldn't be too hard!

I woke up on Thanksgiving morning, and started making food around ten. I made the devilled eggs, the pies, the fruit salad. Andrew prepared the chicken, and ran to the store for any forgotten ingredients. I started putting dinner together, and I won't lie.. I started to panic. What the hell was I doing?? I didn't know how to make devilled eggs, I didn't even know how long to boil them. The chicken said 'cook breast side up.' Uh... Which side is the breast on?? I opened to can of sweet potatoes to find them rotten.. Great! NOT!

Thank goodness I had Andrew there. He helped me with every thing, we split the tasks, and got each other needed ingredients. We even had time to watch a movie.

Finally, 4 o'clock rolls around and both of us are starving. We pull the chicken out of the oven, and it's a perfect golden brown. We finish making the gravy, and putting the final touches on the table, and finally, dinner is served..

I cannot tell you how much fun I had this Thanksgiving. Not only did I get to spend it with Andrew, but this was my first Thanksgiving dinner that I had prepared, as well as his. It was an adventure, and it was a little scary, but the ending results were something to be proud of. Like I said, I expected we would burn the house down. We may not have gotten sweet potatoes, and maybe we forgot to make the rolls (woops!) but I had a day with a boy that I wouldn't trade for the world, and an amazing dinner to top it all off!

And now, I can't wait for round 2 next year, and this time, we won't forget the rolls.

It Isn't So Bad, Afterall...

Ok so I spent this past weekend with my parents, and I want to discuss something that my dad and I had a conversation about. We were talking about people, and depending on how they were raised affects the person that they grow up to be. My dad said this:

"What happens to a person does not make them who they are. What makes them who they are is how they learn to handle it."

This is something that I strongly believe and I am going to tell you why.

Most people look at me, and would think I grew up in an average household, with a normal middleclass income and a 'perfect' family. They are wrong. I grew up with divorced parents. I lived with my mother until I was ten. My mother is an alcoholic. This doesn't mean that I had a horrible childhood and it does not mean that she was always drunk, but we moved. A lot. I stayed in homeless shelters a few times, I can't remember all the boyfriends my mom had, and we were definitely not rich.. Most of my clothes came from the secondhand store. I saw my dad every other weekend, something I was always excited for.

Now, when I say my mother is an alcoholic, it does not mean that she was always drunk! She went through sobriety phases, and drunken phases. When she divorced, she would drink. When I was nine, she got another divorce.. Which pushed her over the edge. This is when I really start to remember her drinking. In the end, she lost custody of me and my sister Deidre due to drunk driving and child endangerment. This was 2 days after I turned ten, and also happened to be Valentine's Day, and a day I will never forget.

My sister and I spent the night in a police station. Deidre sang me to sleep, and my brothers step mom came and picked us up sometime in the middle of the night. The next morning, my dad came and rescued us, and we were on our way to Utah!

Unfortunately, the custody battle wasn't easy, and my mother fought, tooth and nail. My sister and I both had to testify against her in the trial- one of the hardest things I have ever done. How hard it was to, at 10 years old, convict my own mother.. I will never forget the look on her face.

During this time, she was not the most consistent at contacting us.. Months would go by before we would hear from her. She didn't call on my birthday, something that, as a child, I didn't understand. I thought she hated me.

As I grew older, I resented her for those things that she put me through as a child. How could a mother do that? How could she, the person who gave birth to me, who watched me grow, treat me in such a way?

I will not lie to you-I wanted to be done. I did not want to deal with my mother and her inconsistancy anymore. However, she was my mother, and no matter what she did, I would always love her. I kept in contact, and slowly, things began to get better. We now keep in contact through Facebook and texting, she owns an antique store, and is married to a great guy named Kevin. She is doing wonderful, and it feels so good to see her doing so good.

Now, like I said earlier, people look at me, and they would not think that this was my childhood. I will tell you, I did not include some of the horrors of my childhood, simply because they are too painful to talk about.

I have heard people say many times that they are the way they are because of their childhood or how they are raised. This is not true. I had a very different upbringing than most, I had depression and anxiety, I had stress induced acid reflux from a very young age. I didn't let this stop me. I wanted to be successful and happy, and I did not want that lifestyle for my children. I had counseling for my emotional issues-a few times.

I was not going to let my childhood determine who I was. Lucky for me, I had the help I needed and was able to overcome this. I chose not to let those things make up who I am. That doesn't mean it didn't play a part in who I am, it definitely made me a stronger person emotionally. I learned so much about who I want and do not want to be. I am grateful for my childhood. It made me strong.

I wish that everyone could see their situations as I do, not as a bad thing, but as something to learn and grow from, as something to be taken and made positive. I am so happy that I was able to do this, as were all of my siblings. We grew from this, and learned, and we have all become strong and successful people. We chose that because "What happens to a person does not make them who they are. What makes them who they are is how they learn to handle it."

Thanks Dad.

Grammar Freak Gone Wild

Ok, so normally I would wait until tomorrow to post something, but this just cannot wait! I am so seriously peeved right now, as I'm sure many people are at what I am about to discuss.

We (meaning me and my graduating class) have been graduated for almost 2 years. Almost all of us are 20 years old and have put our teenage years behind us, and if we are still 19-like I happen to be- we are coming very close to the big 2-0. So why the hell do I keep running across the posts on Facebook and seeing texts of people who cannot spell? Honestly? You are almost 20 (if you aren't already) and you can't spell "tomorrow"???

Ok, I understand that some people are not as good in the academics area, I really do understand that, but things are just out of control. I don't know where you were during English class, but these are words that are used almost-if not every- day. I can understand some grammatical/spelling errors that happen often, such as you're/your and too/to. Those can be confusing as shit! They are commonly mistaken words that many people struggle with, including me. However, when it comes to common words that we are constantly using, it is fucking ridiculous that we cannot spell them properly. Maybe I'm a grammar freak who's out to control everyone's lives and public posts. Or maybe, just maybe, these are things that we should have learned in elementary and junior high.

When I see these huge grammar mistakes/spelling mishaps, I often wonder to myself what this person's resume looks like. Honestly. When you are trying to get a grown-up job, with benefits and vacation time and all that stuff that makes you say "this is fucking awesome!", do you turn in a resume that says "I can start working her imeditely." Do you?

I know some people may say I'm being anal, but I'm not. It's fucking ridiculous that someone cannot spell the simplest of words. Honestly...

Religion at its Finest

Ok so today I wanted to discuss something that has had a major impact on me since moving to Utah-Religion.

I'm going to start off by saying this-I believe that religion is an extremely personal thing. Whether you believe in God or Buddha or Satan or whatever the fuck you choose to believe, you chose it for a reason- your own personal reasons. Everyone has their own version of heaven or hell, everyone pictures it differently, and everyone is going to see God differently, no matter what religion you are or what church you choose to go to. That is why I choose not to go to church. I believe what I believe, and I do not feel the need to go to church to justify that. End of story.

Now, I'm going to tell you some of the things that I have heard "good Christians" say in my lifetime:

·         "You are going to hell for believing in gay rights."

·         "If you aren't LDS, you can't go to heaven."

·         "You cannot have the holy spirit because you are not LDS."

·         "If you don't pray, you will never go to heaven/be forgiven for your sins."

·         "Because you are no longer (insert religion of person talking here), I can't be friends with you. I don't support that lifestyle."

All of the things I just listed are bull shit. Let me tell you something. God created everyone, and loves everyone equally, regardless of the church they go to, their sexual preference, or their lifestyle of choosing. I am not a strong believer in God, I'll admit that, but if he is real, I can guarantee that all of the "Christians" that truly believe those things they said, are 100% incorrect. I don't give a fuck what anyone else says. I don't care if they do believe that, like I said, religion is personal, but just because you don't support someone's lifestyle or relationships or religion, does NOT give you the right to tell them they are going to hell!!!

I am so thoroughly sick of everyone trying to push their religion on everyone around them. Believe what you want, I honestly DON'T CARE. But the minute you try to push that on me or tell me that I'm going to hell for not believing it, is the minute I have a problem with you.
I don't understand why people can't just live by the Bible and love one another. It's as simple as that. What someone else believes as far as religion goes does not affect the person they are. We should all just love each other, regardless of religion or beliefs, and be happy. I have multiple friends who have gone on missions and such, and I can honestly say that I am proud of them for having enough faith in their religion to be able to drop their life for 2 years and go and spread the word. It doesn't mean I believe what they do, it just means I have utmost respect for them, and their religious beliefs.

If you are offended by this post, I apologize. It is not meant to offend anyone, it is simply meant to explain my beliefs. I love you all, regardless of religion or lack of, and I honestly hope that someday everyone else can be as open to other people's religions as they are to their own.

Amen. ;)

Sorry if this post is all over the place and scattered, there are just so many things that I would love to say on the subject, and can't quite get them all organized in my little head!

My First Blog!

If you are offended by the word fuck, then stop reading here.

Ok so I guess I start out by telling all my readers who I am. My name is Shaye. I am a 19 year old girl who really should be in college, but am way too poor for that shit. Also, I am the number one most awesome person you will ever meet. Period. I have an awesome boyfriend named Andrew, and he makes me happy. I live on my own with my puppy Tito, who will most likely be in a lot of my blog entries. I'm starting this blog because I have wanted to for a long time, just hadn't done it, and got a request from a friend to start one, which kicked my ass into gear. So here I am. I'm not a big fan of talking about myself, so enough of that.

Now. What the fuck do I write about? Do people with blogs spend all day thinking about their next great blog and how awesome it's gonna be? If that's true, I'm going to suck at writing a blog. Planning is just not my thing. However there is one thing I want to write about because it has been brought to my attention quite often. I'm a bro. No. I do not have a penis. I'm just a girl, with the personality of a dude. Today, I am going to explain why.

Girls are stupid as fuck. They are drama. They like to bitch about the stupidest shit. I don't enjoy being like that.

The end.