Fuck You, Razor

I have never met anyone who is more accident prone than I am. It is fucking ridiculous. Here are some examples:

1. When I was 9, I cut my thumb off carving a pumpkin. You'd think that by 9 I would know how to use a knife. Apparently not.
2. When I was 11, I fractured my wrist playing baby dolls with my sister. Really?? The safest game a little girl could play, and I fracture my wrist doing it. What. The. Fuck.
3. In 6th grade, while playing basketball, the ball came and hit my hand in a way so perfect as to tear all the ligaments in my thumb. Fucking fantastic.
4. In seventh grade, during sewing class, I sewed through my finger. As if that wasn't enough, when I went and told my mom what happened (she worked at my school), she gave me a tissue to wrap it in. A tissue that she had earlier blown her nose in. Disgusting. And extremely unhygienic.
5. When I was a teenager, I dropped our trash can on my foot, and it completely severed the end of my big toe. Holy fuck, that hurt like hell. Shoes? No, thanks.
6. I have tendonitis in my wrists so bad that they required surgery, putting me in a full arm cast for 10 weeks the same year I should've gone to state for swimming. Instead, I was at home, high on pain meds with a neon orange cast. Fuck you, tendons.

Now that you have a history of all the shit that has happened to me, let me tell you about my most recent encounter.

So this morning, I'm taking a shower, minding my own business, shaving my legs and BAM! The razor slips and I slice off my fingernail. MY FINGERNAIL!! Seriously??? Who fucking does that??? Only I would slice off my fingernail while taking a shower. And this wasn't even a sharp, nice razor. It's one of those shitty disposable ones! It can't shave the hair on my legs on the first try, but in a split second it can slice off my fingernail, no problem. What the fuck??

So I have a job where I type a lot, and I get to work, and my finger hurts. Obviously. Everyone knows that fingernail injuries are the worst injuries. They fucking hurt. And there's nothing you can do about it! There is nothing to relieve the pain, you just have to wait for months on end for your fingernail to grow back. It fucking sucks. So now I'm at work, with 3 band-aids on my finger to help relieve the pain that overcomes my finger every time I have to press a key. It's gonna be a long fucking day.