Conversationally Retarded

I am a social butterfly. I am one of those people who, when shoved into the middle of a group of people, will befriend everyone in that group (aside from the slutty bitch who gives me the stink eye. I don't want to be her friend). I can be shy sometimes, when I know that the first impression matters. For example, when I meet the family of the person I'm dating, or when I start a new job and am trying to get along with all of my co-workers. But, for the most part, I can enter a conversation and get everyone to laugh and love me forever. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

I have a problem controling my fucking mouth. No, I don't mean watching my language. Surprisingly, I'm able to keep that under control when needed. The problem is that I'm a rambler. Once I get started, my conversation has no limits, and eventually I'm forced to stop talking by the appalled look on the other person's face, causing me to realize that I had just crossed the invisible boundaries of 'things you shouldn't say out loud'. I think back, and realized how many times I'd talked about poop, or some other form of inappropriate conversation, and then think to myself, 'shit. I shouldn't talk to people like that.'

This causes problems in my life. For example, I once went to church with a kid I was dating, and started talking to his bishop. The conversation started out innocent, we introduced ourselves and made small talk with the weather. And then he asked me a question about my work. At the time, I worked at a pool, so I started telling him about lifeguarding and such. By the time I'd finished rambling, I was on the subject of cheating boyfriends and bitches I hated. And yes, I said bitches to him. Needless to say, I never returned to church with him again.

Another example? Today, one of my coworkers asked me about the people that have been stealing my food, and if I'd made any progress in my investigation in finding out who it was. I started talking, and by the time I was done, I was ranting about how no one has any respect for anyone or anything anymore, and I wished that parents would control their children in Wal-Mart. I stopped and looked at him, at which point he said, "Uh... I uh.. Have to go back to work. Bye."

I am conversationally retarded. I really should get some self control, otherwise I am slowly going to drive everyone away with my lack of conversation control. Maybe I should take conversation etiquette classes. Do they even have those? If not, someone should start some. I would, but obviously I am not fit to instruct others on how to hold a basic conversation. Someone, please help me.