No, I Do Not Have A Mirror In My Pocket

When I go out in public alone, I often get hit on. Whether it be the guy who's serving my food, or the guy standing behind me in line, even the girl walking past me, it happens. Which is unfortunate, because it's fucking annoying. Although I won't lie, it does give a girl a confidence boost. However, what's annoying is how the guy-or sometimes girl-goes about it.

I was standing in line for some food yesterday, and the guy behind me tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You are more beautiful than even Princess Leah, my dear." Um.... Holy shit, you're nerdy as fuck. Like, did you really just say that to me? Do I look like someone who watches Star Wars all day and plays with action figures, living in my parents' basement 'til I'm thirty? Nope, didn't think so! Now, this is just one example of the atrocities I've heard that boys like to call "Pick-Up Lines." Here are some examples:

• "Hey there, hot stuff!" This does not make me attracted to you. It makes me want to laugh at you. Seriously, are you 12?
• *Whistling and cat calls* Seriously, any guy who does this is a douche. You can't even walk up and offer a general compliment? No, you keep your distance and hit on a girl, pussy style. Let me show you my middle finger. Douche.
• Cheesy Pick-Up Lines. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" "Is there a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can totally see myself in your pants." Yes, both of those lines have been used on me. Yes, both times I laughed and just walked  away. THAT DOES NOT WORK. I don't know who started that trend, but he deserves to be hanged and then thrown into a pit of velociraptors. He's that stupid.

Boys, There are ways to pick up a girl without being a cheesy-as-fuck douche. There really are. Let me tell you the easiest way. It really is so easy. Start a conversation with the girl. When you go to part ways, ask for her number. It's that easy! Really, it is! Now, when you start this conversation, do not EVER at any part mention sex, how much money you have, the weather, or what a bitch your ex is. Seriously. Those are some major turn-offs that make you look like a douche.

Don't know how to strike up a conversation? Well first, you are socially awkward and you should probably just walk away. Second, all you have to do is compliment her. Tell her that her shirt looks nice, or you like her hair cut. Be honest though. Don't lie about something just to get her to talk to you. She WILL know that you are lying. Girls are smart like that. (I know. Girls? Smart about anything other than making sandwiches? What a surprise!) Find something you genuinely like (NOT her boobs or ass) and compliment her on it. Then ask how her day is, and continue from there. Be natural, don't force the conversation. Otherwise you're gonna make it really awkward.

If you are trying to hit on a girl or compliment her, and she responds all bitchy, drop it. DO NOT pursue her. I have seen guys continually try to talk to a girl when she's giving short smart-ass responses. Really buddy, just stop. You are embarrassing yourself, and making yourself look desperate. Stop.

As a last little note, if a girl comes up to you dressed like a skank, asking if she can offer you any service, don't fall for it. She's probably trying to sell you something you don't need. Like tupperware. Or a BJ. Or Herpes.