25 and Obese

The other day I went and swam some laps. I had looked in the mirror, and realized that all of my muscle had melted into fat, and I was on the downward hill to obesity. My six pack had turned into a pillow, and my thighs of steel had changed to thunder thighs. If I didn't change something, I was going to be obese by the age of twenty-five.

Now, changing my exercise and diet was not as easy as I had hoped. I had a routine. Wake up, shower, eat, get ready, eat, go to work, eat all day long, go home, eat, and go to bed. There was obviously no room for exercise of any kind in my day. I was going to have to rearrange some things.

I got up at 4:45, and was at the pool at 5 in the morning. I swam some laps, and was finished in time for my normal routine to start. But then I realized something. If I really wanted to change my body, I was going to have to change my eating habits, too.

Fuck.

I don't like salad. I don't like anything green, or healthy. I like candy. I have an entire drawer in my filing cabinet at work devoted to candy. I can't just waste it all!

So I started advertising it. I told my coworkers about my candy stash, and told them to have at it.


I wish this was possible.



Unfortunately, I work with a bunch of healthy fuckers who haven't even toughed it. Are you fucking joking? If someone told me there was a drawer of candy that needed eaten, I'd have it gone in five minutes. Nope, not these guys. They want apples and salads and 'a healthy lifestyle.' Bull shit. So do I , and that's why I'm getting rid of my candy. Can't you help me out a little bit?

So, while my candy sat there, untouched, I came up with a plan. If I eat it all now, there will be none left later! Hallelujah, praise the lord. I am the smartest person on the fucking planet.

So, I've been eating candy to the point of projectile vomiting for the past week. Unfortunately, I am not even halfway done with it. Slowly but surely, the candy will soon disappear, and I can move on to a healthier life.

Did I tell you that I also stopped going swimming?

Does anyone know a good plus sixed store? I'm gonna be needing it soon.