Readers, I have been dying to write about this since Friday, but it's been a very emotional weekend for me. There were so many emotions and thoughts going through my head that I thought it best I wait until I could (sort of) sort them out.
Now, get ready, because this news is going to blow your fucking mind.
A while ago, I posted a blog about my infertility. I've been told from the time I was fifteen that I would never be able to get pregnant and have kids. It made sense. I have PCOS. Instead of releasing an egg, my ovary forms a cyst, which grows and grows, until it finally ruptures and bleeds out. It's a very painful process, and one which caused me to not be able to have kids.
When I was told this, I was devastated, and the older I got, the more it hurt. Everyone was getting pregnant and having kids, and they had no idea how grateful they should be for the opportunity. I was jealous and envious and angry. Why not me?
About a month ago, I wound up in the E.R. with yet another cyst, only this one was bleeding internally, and growing very rapidly. So, of course, when I went to see my OB/GYN, he scheduled me for surgery, which was a little over two weeks ago. He removed the cyst, and some endometriosis, and took some biopsies. The results were in on Friday.
I went into my follow-up now knowing what to expect. I was nervous and excited and scared. The doctor comes in. First off, the biopsies showed no cancer cells. Woo! Also, considering the amount of cysts I've had in the last 5 years, there was, of course, a lot of scar tissue on my ovary. However, the doctor removed the cyst wall, which will cause my ovary to start behaving as it should.
Which means no cysts.
Which means that I potentially could become pregnant.
I cannot tell you the amount of tears I shed over this news. Happy tears, and confused tears. I am still having a hard time grasping the news. There are, of course, stipulations. It will be harder for me to get pregnant than other people, and I have a smaller age gap. He told me that I probably shouldn't plan on going to college before having kids.
This has been... difficult. I am 20 years old, and as much as I want-and need- to have children, I just don't know if I'm ready. I'm not even old enough to go to a bar yet. But the other half of me is saying go for it. You're mature, you have a decent job, and, if I were to become pregnant, Andrew and I would make things work. But what about Andrew? He can't be forced into fatherhood.
There are so many decisions to be made now, and timelines to be discussed. But guess what?
I'm gonna be a mom. Not right now. But I will. And I am so fucking excited for everything that the future holds.
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