Life At The Pool

When I was fifteen, I got my first job working as a lifeguard at our local swimming pool. I absolutely loved this job. It was exciting, it was fun, and the people I worked with were awesome as fuck. Now, for some reason, people get it into their little heads that when they are underwater, we can't see them. WRONG. When you are swimming, the lifeguards can see EVERYTHING you do. Everything. Here is a list of all the things you see when you work at a swimming pool.

WARNING: You are never going to want to go swimming again.

1. Sex. Yes, people fuck each other in the swimming pool. I can name at least 3 times when  I saw this happen. Now, most of my coworkers were so embarrassed by this that they would look the other way and let the people continue fucking. Me? HA! You wish! I would blow my whistle, point them out, and tell them to keep it PG. At this point, everyone would be staring at them. Most of the time, the nasty mother fuckers would leave shortly after being caught. Ya, that's right. Go fuck each other in a more appropriate place. Thanks.
2. Hand Jobs. Holy shit, this happened at least once a week in the summer. Again, I was the one to tell the nasty mother fuckers to calm the fuck down.
3. Stupid ass people. I once had some full grown man try to squeeze into his baby's inner tube, which I had the pleasure of cutting him out of. What the fuck made you think you would fit into that? You stupid fuck.
4. There were a variety of injuries, from minor scrapes, to children getting their toes demolished in the revolving doors. I saw seizures, concussions, stomach flu, burns, spinal injuries, and, of course, some pretty bad ass sunburns.
5. Holy shit, it's shit. I cannot tell you how many times I had to clean someone's shit out of the pool. The one I remember most was when some kid shit himself so bad, while the wave machine was on... Shit was EVERYWHERE. Literally. Me and my coworker got the pleasure of taking nets and walking back and forth across the pool, scooping out the little poop chunks, and then pouring chlorine into the pool and getting chemical burns on our legs. What an awesome day. FUCK YOU CHILD WHO DID THAT TO ME!!!
6. When I first started at the pool, the other lifeguards warned me of the drowning face. They said I would have nightmares for weeks. I thought they were kidding. Nope. Now, I know that nothing I say will be able to describe the horror of seeing the look on a child's face when they're drowning, but I'm going to try. Children are so innocent. When they start drowning, the first thing they do is look at you. They gaze at you through the water, their eyes are wide, just staring. They don't look scared. They look empty. There is no emotion. Just a wide-eyed child, staring you down, with the most innocent, horrifying look. I still have nightmares about it. After a moment of this, the panicked look strikes their face, and they start flailing around like a fish out of water... Except they are a person in the water. Weird? Yes.

I loved this job. In the summer, I made as many as 4 rescues a day. I taught swimming lessons, and kicked nasty ass mother fuckers out of the pool. I cut people out of tubes, helped the kids with the bloody toes, and got a bad-ass tan. I worked there for almost 4 years, and I can honestly say that was the best job I've ever had. Although, the job I have now is pretty fucking awesome. They are tied.



Me in my lifeguarding uniform. At Wal-Mart, with Buzz Lightyear. 'Cause I'm a badass.