Shit Me And My Boyfriend Say

So, for those of you who know me in person, you know I can be kind of retarded. No, not kind of. I'm fucking retarded sometimes. Usually this earns me the title of "Blonde".  I can tell you, there is no time when I am more blonde than when I'm with Andrew. Together, him and I have said some pretty stupid-and fucking hilarious-things. Today, I'm going to share some with you.

This conversation happened yesterday:

Me: "My favorite Gatorades are orange and blue."

Andrew: "Uh... Orange? You might as well chop your boob off, because drinking orange Gatorade and chopping your boob off are practically the same thing.

Another:

Andrew and I were walking through Graywhale, and something fell out of my pocket. I hurried to grab it and catch it before it fell to the ground and Andrew made the comment:

"Wouldn't it be funny if a hamster fell out of your pocket?"

What?? Who the fuck thinks about a hamster falling out of your pocket? What a 'tard.

This one was strictly me, before I knew how the North East South West directions worked. Carol (my boss) was talking about how she was disoriented in California, because there were no mountains there to tell her which way was East. I made the comment:

"Wait... It doesn't matter which way the mountains/ocean are in reference to you... West is always to the left."

I have gone to a new level of stupid. Seriously. Carol was laughing so hard that she was crying. How embarrassing.

Me to Andrew:

"What's a skeet?"

Yes, I asked this. Yes, he laughed really hard. 'Ah, skeet skeet mother fuckers..'

When I was younger, I said this to my parents after seeing a commercial on TV:

"What is ED (erectile dysfunction)?"

When my parents started laughing, I said:

"Oh, well. I guess I'd know if I had it."

Oh, the innocence of a child...

When I learned what a cock was, as in penis, it happened in public. My family was sitting at a Chinese restaurant, reading those trashy little paper place mats with your Chinese zodiac. Mine happens to be the cock. I looked up at my parents and loudly proclaimed:

"I'm a cock!"

My parents both turned red, and told me from now on, to use the word rooster. When we were in the car, they gave the explanation why.

Yesterday at Wal-Mart, Andrew pronounced the word thoroughly like "Thor"oughly. You know, like Thor, in the movies.

There have been a plethora of incidents like this, way too many to put on this blog. As I said before, I can be fucking retarded.