Having Sex

Well everyone, it has taken me a while to write this one, and even longer to post it, for fear of being judged or called a slut. But you know what? I'm not a fucking slut, and actually the farthest thing from a slut, so if you wanna say that, you can shut your trashy little mouth and move along. Heaven forbid I have pre-marital sex... Judgemental bitches. Ok. Here you go.

Sex. Everybody does it at some point in their life. Well, unless you die a virgin, and then you have my greatest sympathy. But you also should have taken the initiative and just done it. Grow some balls and get laid! Just kidding. Don't be a slut about it. But really. You no longer have my sympathy. Ok moving on.

When you are younger, or a virgin, or about to get married, you wonder, "what's it gonna be like?" And you get this image in your head of a romantic scene, with candles and roses and sexy lingerie. You think of that scene in The Notebook where his pants come right off, and afterwards she says, "that's what I've been missing??" in this happily shocked voice. Let me tell you. Your first time is going to be NOTHING like this. So you can just knock that fantasy right out of your pretty little head, and prepare yourself for the most awkward moment of your entire life.

First off, you're going to feel awkward as fuck. This person has never seen you naked. They've never seen that weird little scar or birthmark, maybe you have stretch marks, and maybe your thighs jiggle or you aren't at your 'perfect weight.' You're gonna be self conscious.

Clothes do not come off nearly as easy as they go on. You will fumble around with the fabric. You can't find their zipper, and all of a sudden a bra hook is some form of alien science that hasn't yet been discovered by human hands. "How the fuck does this work??" will go through your head multiple times. Someone will probably end up leaving their socks on.

Girls. "Where is that noise coming from? Is that my VAGINA??" I can guarantee that this thought is going to run through your head at some point during your sexual activity. If not your first time, then your second or third. It is going to happen. Do NOT be alarmed by this! It's normal, and it happens to the best of us. He's probably just going to think it's funny and laugh. Don't be alarmed by that either.

And afterwards? You aren't going to fall straight asleep. You're going to think about how nasty you are, and run to the bathroom in pursuit of a nice shower. "What is this liquid all over me? WHO'S liquid is all over me??" You're going to think about how awkward it was, and how it didn't go nearly as you expected, and then you'll hate yourself a little bit for getting your expectations so fucking high.

Don't worry. These awkward moments go away and eventually, you will no longer care if someone left their socks on. You'll realize that your partner thinks you're sexy, despite that scar from when you were nine, and that everything you hear/see/feel is completely normal. But until then, I wish you the best of luck.