It Started With Coffee Creamer...

Holy. Fucking Shit. I am so thoroughly pissed that I cannot think straight. I literally cannot comprehend what is happening at my work, and the immature fucker that I work with. I am beyong baffled at how adults can have such behavior as this person does. And the best part? I don't even know who it is.

So it all started with my coffee creamer. At my work, we have coffee grounds catered in by a coffee company. HP provides the sugar and creamer, and unfortunately, the creamer is the nasty powder shit. So, I brought my own creamer to work so that I could enjoy some coffee at work. I started noticing that I was going through it extremely fast. What the fuck? I did not go through 1/4 of my coffee creamer in one day. So, I started writing my name on it. And still, the fucker continued to use it. Now, I started putting a Ziploc bag over the top, and that fixed the issue. Awesome. No more food thief! Or so I thought...

As Christmas time rolled around, everyone came back to work after the holidays with tons of candy and food that they had received, me included. I happened to get some fucking delicious chocolate covered orange sticks, pretty much the best candy ever. So, I slowly munched on them at my cubicle, and eventually could eat no more. There was half of a box left when I set them down. One week later, I opened them to grab one, and guess what I found? THERE WERE ONLY 5 FUCKING ORANGE STICKS LEFT! That mother fucker took them OFF OF MY DESK!! Are you fucking joking? At this point, I'm starting to get pissed. Things were getting out of control. So I put a note on my desk that said, 'Stop eating my food! I'm a poor white girl!' The thievery stopped for 2 months.

And then today, I saw that they had struck again. A few weeks ago, I went to the grocery store and bought some things to eat lunch at work. One of the items was salad dressing. I carefully wrote my name on it, knowing that it would have to be stored in the break room fridge. I haven't touched it since. Today, I opened the fridge, and that's when I saw it. That fucker had taken the fucking wrapper off a MY new salad dressing, and used a fucking third of the bottle! Which is CLEARLY marked with my fucking name!! Are you fucking kidding me? Oh my god. I almost lost it.

Exactly how I feel right now. Fuck.

Now. This is what I don't fucking understand. I make less than anyone else in my office. They can afford to buy their own fucking salad dressing! And also, who the fuck takes someone elses food without fucking asking, or even telling them that they're going to use some?! Seriously, that is so fucking rude and inconsiderate, and I cannot even comprehend the thought process they have while taking my fucking food. And the best part? I am the ONLY ONE in the ENTIRE FUCKING OFFICE that has been a victim of this! THEY ARE TARGETING ME! And whoever this fucking bitch is, I will find you, and I will shank you.

Having Sex

Well everyone, it has taken me a while to write this one, and even longer to post it, for fear of being judged or called a slut. But you know what? I'm not a fucking slut, and actually the farthest thing from a slut, so if you wanna say that, you can shut your trashy little mouth and move along. Heaven forbid I have pre-marital sex... Judgemental bitches. Ok. Here you go.

Sex. Everybody does it at some point in their life. Well, unless you die a virgin, and then you have my greatest sympathy. But you also should have taken the initiative and just done it. Grow some balls and get laid! Just kidding. Don't be a slut about it. But really. You no longer have my sympathy. Ok moving on.

When you are younger, or a virgin, or about to get married, you wonder, "what's it gonna be like?" And you get this image in your head of a romantic scene, with candles and roses and sexy lingerie. You think of that scene in The Notebook where his pants come right off, and afterwards she says, "that's what I've been missing??" in this happily shocked voice. Let me tell you. Your first time is going to be NOTHING like this. So you can just knock that fantasy right out of your pretty little head, and prepare yourself for the most awkward moment of your entire life.

First off, you're going to feel awkward as fuck. This person has never seen you naked. They've never seen that weird little scar or birthmark, maybe you have stretch marks, and maybe your thighs jiggle or you aren't at your 'perfect weight.' You're gonna be self conscious.

Clothes do not come off nearly as easy as they go on. You will fumble around with the fabric. You can't find their zipper, and all of a sudden a bra hook is some form of alien science that hasn't yet been discovered by human hands. "How the fuck does this work??" will go through your head multiple times. Someone will probably end up leaving their socks on.

Girls. "Where is that noise coming from? Is that my VAGINA??" I can guarantee that this thought is going to run through your head at some point during your sexual activity. If not your first time, then your second or third. It is going to happen. Do NOT be alarmed by this! It's normal, and it happens to the best of us. He's probably just going to think it's funny and laugh. Don't be alarmed by that either.

And afterwards? You aren't going to fall straight asleep. You're going to think about how nasty you are, and run to the bathroom in pursuit of a nice shower. "What is this liquid all over me? WHO'S liquid is all over me??" You're going to think about how awkward it was, and how it didn't go nearly as you expected, and then you'll hate yourself a little bit for getting your expectations so fucking high.

Don't worry. These awkward moments go away and eventually, you will no longer care if someone left their socks on. You'll realize that your partner thinks you're sexy, despite that scar from when you were nine, and that everything you hear/see/feel is completely normal. But until then, I wish you the best of luck.

Religion Is Not A Valid Reason

Oh, readers. You need to know that I am so thoroughly peeved right now. So fucking peeved! Why, you ask? Because some people are so fucking stupid! That's why. So, I saw this picture, and it needs to be discussed.

Now, this may not really seem like a big deal to most people, but there is something so incredibly wrong with this. Marriage is between you and your husband, and yes it is between God, if you are religious. But a marriage is not to fucking glorify God! Ok? And this picture brought back a memory of something else that has bothered me for a while.

The other day, me and my friends went to an old person home to do some community service and just visit with the people that lived there. They get lonely! We saw the ad to visit on KSL and thought, hey, why not? It could be fun! Holy fuck, almost everyone there asked if we were LDS. And when we said no? They were suprised that 'normal' kids came to do service. Um, religion is NOT the only reason people do service for others! And it is NOT the reason you should get married, either!

So many people go and do stuff simply for the purpose of religion, or getting into heaven. Now, I am not a religious person. But I can tell you right now that if heaven and God are real, then doing stuff simply for the purpose of going to heaven is not going to cut it! What the fuck happened to being a good person, just to be a good person? What happened to thou shalt not judge, and thou shall not lie? Because going out for service when you don't want to just for the good of it, is living a motherfucking lie! Ok? You can fight this and yell at me and say I don't know what I'm talking about, but it's true. I was once told "good luck when you meet Jesus" because I made the statement that I don't judge people for being gay. Honey, if I'm going to hell, I hope they put me on the opposite side of you, because I do not want to sit next to your bitchy judgemental self for all eternity.

If you want to be a good person, then live an honest life. Be a good person to be a fucking good person! Do service to make others feel good, and get married because you love someone, not because you want to get into heaven.

Adios, Bitchachos!

This past year has royally fucked me over. And I just need to say hallelujah! In one week and two days, the lease that almost killed me will be over! And I am so fucking excited I can't stand it! Can I get an amen, brothers and sisters?!

So, I know a question that I have been asked a lot is, "If you couldn't afford the lease, then why did you sign it?" Well, first off, I'm not fucking stupid. I wouldn't have signed it.. If I had really had a choice in the matter. I moved into my apartment with my ex, who decided to leave and royally fucked me over when he did, leaving me with a costly apartment. I knew that I was fucked. And I still had almost the entire year of the lease left to stick out by myself. Fuck. And if I wanted to break my lease? It would've cost me three thousand fucking dollars. I'm poor white girl and I cannot afford that shit. So, I had to stay.

Now, I would like to tell you all of the things I hated about this apartment, and the management. First off, they fine and fee you for fucking everything. Literally. I had to pay for the parking stall that went with my apartment, even if I didn't want to park there. $25. Fuck. Oh, I have a dog? $300 deposit and an extra $35 a month. $175 if you pay your rent late. Fuck my life. This is what I've had to deal with for an entire fucking year. Oh, and that pet deposit? It was supposed to be refunded to me, but unfortunately, they're using it all the clean the mother fucking carpets. It does not cost that much to clean the mother fucking carpets! Fuck you guys. If I had problems with my neighbors, it was my fault for moving there. Which, for the most part my neighbors were nice, aside from the fact that I could hear them having sex. They were so fucking loud! I mean, I don't care how good it is, stop your screaming, bitch. You have neighbors.

However, aside from all the fees and late night sounds of sex sessions, I made it the entire year. There were times when it got tough. I almost sold Tito a few times to get the money I needed for rent, and thank god for all the times my parents came to my rescue with boxes of food and tampons. Thank you guys, for everything you did to keep me afloat.

I am so happy to be done with this fucking lease, and I am so excited to be in a better place in my life financially. Thanks to everyone who has helped me through! You guys are fucking awesome. And goodbye, Riverbend. You will not be missed.

Calm Your Shit

Alrighty, ladies and gentlemen! I have such an awesome story for you (as requested be written about by my facebook friends and blog readers that witnessed this). First off, I would like to say 'fuck you' to the bitches who get offended by stupid shit. Seriously. For those of you that know me personally, you know that I am a nice person. I am nice to people and I don't cause drama (for the most part.. Everyone has their moments) and I really get along with pretty much anyone. You also know that I have some strong beliefs and points of view, and I am not scared to share those with everyone! Now, I decided to post something on Facebook this week that I felt was not offensive at all. I was simply stating that I am at a point in my life that I am happy with, even though I am not doing what most people my age are. This is what it was:

As you can see, a lot of people agreed with me. Because it's fucking true! Now, I have a lot of friends that are married and having children that are my age. That's ok! I'm happy for them and the lives that they are living. I just don't feel like I'm ready for that quite yet! Everyone else can do whatever the fuck they want. I don't fucking care! But apparently, this status seemed to offend some people. One person in particular. This was her response:

Uh, what? Ok. First off, I really don't think my status sounded judgemental. First off, not once did I say anything to the affect that I thought everyone else was stupid or dumb for getting married so young. I simply stated that I'm one of few not married, and that I'm ok and happy about that! Bitches need to calm their shit.

Now, it wouldn't be so bad if it was anyone else. I like Clair. We got along great in high school, I went to her wedding, which was beautiful, and she is generally a nice person. But she is contantly posting negative things on Facebook about her life and her daughter. And then she takes personal offense to my status. Honey, I understand if you are unhappy with your life, but don't fucking take it out on me! She should know that I'm happy for her! I've told her multiple times. But, whatever.

So, I make the comment that I'm not judging her, and I had quite a few friends comment about how they knew I was in no way judging anyone. That's not my thing. Live and let live. Right? So she doesn't respond, and I'm thinking, holy shit. This girl is fucking pissed! So I decide to send her a message and say hey, I'm sorry that I offended you because that's not what I intended. Guess what? She deleted me! Ha! Oh god. Really? I understand that I offended you, and I'm sorry, but this is fucking ridiculous. Why are you taking such offense to this? It was not a big deal! You need to calm your shit, and understand that the status wasn't fucking about you! But whatever. If you want to live a life where you're unhappy and take offense to everything, that's fine with me. But don't fucking take it out on me. Calm your shit, and grow the fuck up.

However, I would like to apologize to anyone else that was offended. I am in no way apologizing for what I said, but I am apologizing to those of you who took it the wrong way. As I said before, that was not the purpose! However, if you know me well enough that we're Facebook friends, then you should know that I didn't mean to offend anyone. So, fuck you.

The end.

Rainbow Poop

Oh readers. I love you so much. You guys are awesome. Just so you know. Ok. My dog is fucking retarded. Now, first off let me tell you that I feed him regularly. He has fat rolls on his shoulder blades. And yet he acts like I starve him and never feed him. He has a problem.

Last night, Andrew and I went to dinner, and had an amazing night. We came home, and for the second time this week, Tito had eaten crayons. Crayons! What the fuck? Why in the fuck would you eat crayons? They are waxy and covered in paper, and of all the things you could eat, you chose crayons. Ok. Prepare yourself for the waxy rainbow poops that you're gonna have to squeeze out your ass, you little fucker.

Now, it's not like I had these crayons laying out on my floor for him to just play with as he pleased. I don't even know where he found them, considering I had to throw my last box of crayons away, because he fucking ate all of them. He just finds crayons and eats them, leaving me with paper remnants and half eaten Crayola's to clean up.

Now, as if this wasn't bad enough, I walked out of my room this morning to find him chewing the handle of my hammer. What the fuck?? First off, how did he even lift that to get it into the living room?? That thing is heavier than he is! Secondly, why the fuck would he choose to chew on that, instead of one of the billion toys that were scattered all over the living room? You know that shit does not taste good!

So, I have concluded that my dog does, in fact, have downs syndrome. The end.

A Different Fairytale

Ok, readers. I know that the majority of my blogs are written for humor, and to make you laugh. But I also feel like I want you guys to know me, and who I am. I want to share with you not only the good times, but also the bad. So, today I am going to tell you about the greatest struggle I've had in life.

Every girl has their fairytale fantasy. They find their handsome prince, get married and have a family and live happily ever after. The end. When I was fifteen, part of this dream for me was shattered. I was told that I couldn't have kids. I am now 20 years old, and this has been confirmed by 3 other doctors.

Now, when I was fifteen, this was extremely heartbreaking for me. However, I didn't really realize how it would affect my entire life, and how the pain of knowing I would never be a mother would grow as I got older. It is something that has been a constant ache for me, and something that I will never truly accept.

Everyone always tells me that I can adopt, and yes. I am aware of that. And I am sure that one day, when I'm ready, I will. And I will love that child more than anyone has loved a child before. But I will miss out on the pregnancy. I won't get to make an announcement on whether I'm having a boy or a girl. I'll never wake up in the middle of the night, look at my husband and say, "It's time!" There will be no rushing to the hospital, no calling the family and telling them that my child had been born. That is not in the cards for me.

I can never explain to you the devastation that this has brought to me. Maybe one day, I will be blessed with a miracle. Maybe I won't. Who knows. But this has played a large part in the person that I have become. It has taught me that there is nothing more important than family. It's taught me to take things as they come and make the best of them, and to find the silver lining on every cloud. It has been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with, but I am so happy that I have learned so much for it. I am happy with myself and my life, whether I am getting the traditional 'fairytale' or not. I will still have my fairytale, it just may not be the same as everyone else's. And that is okay.

My Tattoo Experience

I swear I get more badass every day. Can I just tell you that? I've come such a long way in my life, but the thing that astounds me the most is what a badass I've become. Just kidding. But really. We got a badass over here. So, let me tell you the story of my first tattoo.

As most of you know, I was supposed to get this tattoo on Wednesday, but they were too busy. So we re-scheduled for Friday at six. Friday rolls around, and they call and re-schedule for nine o'clock. At this point, I'm getting irritated. Like, I made a fucking appointment for a reason, bitches. But oh, well. Let's just go at nine.

So Andrew and I walk in there, and I fill out the paperwork. No biggy. We're playing tetris-which I totally kicked Andrew's ass at, by the way-and we're just waiting. And fucking waiting. I'm not too nervous at this point. I'm thinking, 'This is no big deal. It's just a little needle.'

Tattoo guy comes out. "They're prepping my station. It'll be about ten minutes."

Oh god. I swear to you that I got so nervous so fast that my stomach fell out of my butt. Oh god, this is really happening. I'm really doing it. I start shaking. Bad. And I had no control over my body. At all. My muscles tense up, and I can't stop shaking, and I have to pee, and of course at that moment in time my body decides it needs to fart. Attempting to control all of this at one time was fucking hard. Luckily, I did. Thank god.



'I Love You' in my
dads handwriting.



So the guy yells from the back to come over. Oh jesus, I'm going to die. I am walking to my death bed right now, so please pull the covers down so that it'll be ready for me. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Oh my god.

I was so nervous. I don't remember what happened next. But all of a sudden he pokes me with the needle. Oh... That really wasn't that bad. Why am I freaking out? I can do thi-OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD. FUCK ME NOW.

That was my though process. And then it was done. It took, at most, five minutes. And I was done. Holy shit! I got my first tattoo. And I didn't die. Nor did I cry. Holy shit! How did that happen? I thought for sure I would cry.

But now it's done. And I couldn't be happier with it.



Tattoos Are Cool

Once again, it's been too fucking long between blogs. I'm so sorry if I've let you down.. Not. If you're upset, you can get the fuck over it. Ha! Just kidding. But really... Anyways. Last night Andrew and I went to go and get my first tattoo... Unfortunately, they were too busy and we had to reschedule for Friday. But it's okay! I don't mind. It's still going to happen. What I want to talk about is people that bitch about other people's fucking tattoos.

You know exactly the people I'm talking about.

"Your body is a temple, blah blah blah."

"You know that lasts forever, right?"

"Don't do it, it's trashy. And I'm a stuck up bitch."

I would just like to say to these people, fuck you. First off, it's my fucking body and I will do with it what I want. When I decided I wanted a tattoo, I wasn't thinking about what other people would think of it, or hoping everyone else would like it. It's something that I want to do for myself, so you can back the fuck off and keep your opinions to yourself. You don't like tattoos? Don't fucking get one! Simple as that. But don't tell me that I can't either. Bitch.

Secondly, don't judge me. Getting or having a tattoo does not make me trashy, ghetto, or irresponsible. I am the same person, with or without tattoos. I don't judge you because you DON'T have them! So what makes you think you should judge me? And if you were to meet someone and become best friends, and 3 months later find out they had a tattoo, would you judge them? Ya, didn't think so. So don't fucking judge me.

Thirdly, tattoos are fucking cool! And it takes balls to get one. So I'm cooler than you and I have more balls than you. Suck it, bitch.

Today I Am Grumpy

I swear to God, today I am the definition of grumpy. If I could just walk around the office all day, punching people in the genitals, I would. Why? Because I fucking feel like it. And I don't have a fucking idea as to why. And you know what? It's ok. I don't have any reason for the way that I feel, but I don't fucking care and I never am this grumpy, so I think I have the right to just punch someone in their junk every once in a while. You know?

When I know someone is in a bad mood, I don't go near them. That's fucking stupid! You're just asking for them to bite your fucking head off right before chopping you into pieces. Really. You especially don't go near a grumpy person with stupid questions, inquiries, comments, or anything similar to anything I just mentioned. Or anything stupid. Or just fucking anything, for that matter. Honestly. You would think people would realize this. Nope. They don't. Fuck. Just leave me alone, everyone.

Now, when I get this grumpy, I try to avoid people. I know I'm being a bitch. I don't want you to fall victim to that. I don't. That's mean. So I don't talk to anyone, I don't approach them, and I mind my own fucking business. Usually people leave me alone. Except when I'm in the mood to kill everyone I see. And then they flock to me like fucking birds. Really? Do you do that on purpose? Do you wait until you can see that I'm grumpy, and choose that moment to talk to me? Is that it? Are you attracted to my bitch face? Well, fuck you.

The mood I am in right now, is the reason they have a T.V. show called 'Snapped.' You know, when women snap and kill their husbands. They get in this mood, and then their husband says, "What? You PMSing?" And she fucking snaps. And you know what? I don't blame her. It's totally justifiable if she feels anything like I do right now. Although I prefer not to kill. I'd rather go for the genital punch, myself. But that's just a personal preference.

Now, if you're done reading, go fuck yourself. Because I hate you.

Not really. I'm just grumpy.

Go Home, You're Drunk

I like to drink. Maybe I have a drinking problem, maybe I don't. No. I don't. I've never gone to work drunk so I think I'm good. Maybe.. Maybe I'm just in denial? Fuck. Anyways, the bottom line is I like to drink, especially in a social setting. Preferrably at parties. I have seen so many other people drunk, and how they act. I think it's time to blog about it.

She is white girl wasted, and
needs to go the fuck home.

First off, you have the White Girl Wasted bitches. They're screaming everything they say and taking their clothes off and crying and yelling and pretty much just being a fucking mess. Calm the fuck down. Put on your clothes. No one wants to see that (unless you're attractive as fuck, and even then, it's pretty fucking sketchy). Also, if you're in public, calm the fuck down! Or your ass is going to jail for public intox. Although I won't lie, I would laugh my ass off if I saw someone get arrested for that..

The cryers. Oh, god. You know who I'm talking about. They have two beers, and all of a sudden they have make-up running down their faces and they're sobbing about a break-up that happened two fucking years ago. And you try to help them? They freak the fuck out and hide in a closet, to cry alone. Seriously. Get out of my house you cry baby. No one wants to listen to that shit! So, if you need to cry to someone, call the ex of yours and cry to them. It's their fault you're crying in the fucking first place!

The dick. The minute this person gets slightly intoxicated, they start insulting everyone. "You're ugly as fuck." "You're fat." Blah, blah, blah... Whatever. You're a dick, and you should leave. Ok.

There are the people that are drunk as fuck, and can't stand up straight, but think they're okay to drive home. Nope. You're wrong. Give me your fucking keys. Here's a pillow. Drunk ass.

Now, the best kind of drunk people are the funny ones. They are almost white girl wasted, but still have control of themselves. They can function with their clothes on, and say fucking funny shit. This is the kind of person you want to drink with. They're funny, and like to play games and just be cool. And dance. Who doesn't fucking dance when they're drunk? If you cannot handle yourself like this when you get drunk, then you should not be drinking in public. End of story.

There's a Hole In My Face

I did it. I pierced my nose. I feel like such a bad ass. Really I do. You don't just go and get a piercing without being a motherfucking bad ass! It doesn't work like that. Now, let me tell you the story.

So yesterday I was in this mood.. I can't describe this mood. It was weird as fuck and I only feel like this maybe twice a year. But when I get in this mood, I have to do something crazy. I have to go do something that I wouldn't do on a normal day. Yesterday, I decided that I would take that mood, and apply it to my face. And that's when I decided to get my nose piercing.

Now, I've wanted to for a long time. But I'm a fucking pussy, and could never talk myself into it. I always found an excuse (no time, no money, etc..) and pussied out. So yesterday, I finally got the balls and just did it.

I started at a tattoo parlor, because they used to do piercings. Just my luck, their piercing guy fucking quit. So, of course, they no longer did piercings there. Fuck. But wait! They gave me the address to a piercing shop and a phone number, and they called and got me a discount. Fuck yeah!

So I drive over to the piercing shop. I get out of my car and walk right in, confident as fuck. I'm such a badass, getting my nose pierced and shit. I swear to god, in that moment, I was the coolest person ever. So I fill out the paperwork and pick out my nose piercing and then it hit me. I was getting a needle shoved into my skin. Holy fuck.

I almost walked out right then. I almost ran away, forfeiting all of the badass points I had earned thus far, and pussied out. But I didn't. I stayed. I started shaking, and getting all clammy. How long will it take? Will it hurt? Fuck, what the fuck am I doing with my life?? Oh, god, I can't do this.. And then they call my name. They were ready for me.

I walk back to the piercing room. This is what I say- "Sorry if I start laughing hysterically, that's just what I do when I'm nervous." The guys face was priceless. You could tell what he was thinking. This adorable little girl walking in, probably doing the most rebel thing she could think of to spite her parents.. Wrong. I just wanted a piercing. But I was being a pussy about it.

He draws the dot where it'll be, puts the needle to my skin and BAM! Done. I look in the mirror. Oh jesus, there's a needle going through my mother fucking nose! And that's when the laughter starts. I'm trying so hard to suppress it, resulting in random snorts and body convulsions in place of the hysterical laughter. The guy that pierced me-Patrick-starts laughing at me. "Relax your face, I have to put the piercing in."

Now THAT was a weird feeling. But it was so cool. He finishes, and my eye starts to water. Oh god, I'm going to cry. I gained control, and only two tears were shed before I composed myself like the lady that I was. Ladies don't cry in public, you know. I look in the mirror, and couldn't be more pleased or proud of myself. I fucking did it. I put a hole in my face and shoved a diamond inside. Such a fucking bad ass.

I Hate Facebook

Oh, Facebook. I have a serious addiction. I really do. I'm constantly checking it for updates and notifications. It's fucking ridiculous. Especially considering how much I really hate it. There are so many things wrong with Facebook. Most of which are simply the people that use it. If you're gonna Facebook, at least be fucking smart about it.

First off, use fucking English. Ok? It's 'before' not B4. We speak English, not fucking bingo. Also, learn where to put a fucking comma! We went to school for 12 years, and you don't know how to use a comma, which can sometimes make understanding you extremely difficult. (See 'Grammar Freak Gone Wild' for more.)

Secondly, stop being fucking retarded! If you are going to say my name on Facebook, then fucking spell it correctly! It is written there in multiple places, right in front of your fucking face, and yet you still manage to spell it wrong! Really? Are you fucking retarded? I once had a guy message me, "Hey what's your name?" Are you fucking joking me? Really? Don't. Just... Don't.

"Like if you love your mom. Keep scrolling if you want her to die." What? Just because I don't 'like' this, doesn't mean I want my mom to die. Ok? And the worst part is that my 'friends' keep liking these pictures, and cluttering up my fucking news feed with them! Really? Are you guys that retarded? Jesus...

Oh. And the chain status'. 'If you don't repost this, you'll die tonight. If you do, your crush will kiss you tomorrow******************************" Fucking STOP! Sharing a status will not make things happen, and you're fucking retarded if you think it will! We are not 12 anymore, with chail e-mails and shit, so you need to calm the fuck down with these. They don't work, and they never will. Ok? Stop.

Also, people need to learn what is appropriate for Facebook. Do not post about your fight with your boyfriend or girlfriend. First off, no one wants to fucking hear it. Secondly, you're just adding fuel to the flame and making it worse by posting it for everyone to see! That shit should not be shared with the public! Learn how to handle your drama with the person you're fighting with, not everyone else! It's fucking childish and you need to grow the fuck up.

For those of you who have children, I love seeing the pictures. So cute. But I fucking hate hearing the complaints about how your kid won't sleep when you wants, and you can't party, and blah blah blah. Shut the fuck up and grow up. You have a kid. It's time to take on responsibility and act like it. Of course they won't sleep when you want! You should've seen that one coming. And if you can't handle it, you shouldn't have had a child! You were the one that had a child, so grow up and act like a fucking parent. 

Ok. That's all I have to say.

What Are You Wearing?

Have you ever looked at someone, and thought to yourself, "What in the fuck made that person look in the mirror today and think they look good?" I do that every day. All day, every day. Maybe I'm just a judgemental bitch. But really, people need to get their shit together. You are a grown person, and you have no awareness of yourself or your body, or what you look like when you leave the house. It's fucking ridiculous.

First off, I would like to enforce upon you this thought... LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. If they were pants, they would be called fucking pants. They are leggings, to be worn with dresses and skirts, and sometimes underneath actual pants to keep your legs worn. They are not actual fucking pants! You look like a ho.

If your fat is hanging out the bottom of your shirt, you need to get a longer shirt. That's fucking disgusting, and no one wants to see that. I really don't know what makes you think that it looks attractive in the first place! Really. Have some self awareness.

Now, while I'm on the subject of heavier people, if you are bigger, don't fucking wear short skirts and short shorts and shit. It is not attractive! At all! When I say this, most people tell me "at least they're confident." You can be confident, and still be aware of what flatters you and doesn't, and what your body looks like. Honestly.

If you cannot walk in heels, then don't fucking wear them!! You don't look 'hot' when you're stumbling around and wobbling all over the place. Okay? If you can't handle them, don't wear them. Period.

Now, the thing I probably understand the least is when someone's ass is hanging out of their pants. Yes, it happens to all of us. Your pants fall down and stretch out, and sometimes you don't pull them up in time. That's ok. But if I can see your ass every fucking second of every day, then you need to fucking get your shit together.

Now, I know some people may be offended by this or whatever, but I really don't give a fuck. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and this is mine. I've gotten some shit lately about people getting offended, and they can get the fuck over it. Again, if you don't like it, don't read it.

I Sold My Soul To The Devil



He looks all cute and innocent, but really he's the devil.



I swear Tito hates me. You guys have heard some of the stories, and heard what a little shit he is. Some of you have even seen this in action. Well, it's time for another Tito story. Oh, and if anyone is looking for a puppy... He's for sale. Not really. He's my baby. But I hate him today.

I hate Tito because he targets me. He's like a sniper, trying to kill me. That's his purpose in life. He loves everyone and is cute for everyone and then he fucks me over in any way possible. He eats my shoes, and the window sills in my apartment, and spreads my trash all over. And if I leave him at someone else's house? He's the best dog ever. That mother fucker...

So yesterday, I get home. I have a new sweater and collar for him, I pet him and play with him. I make sure he's fed and watered. He's being such a good dog, and I'm being the best dog mom ever. Seriously. He's so spoiled, and I'm so good to him. He brings me a toy and we're playing fetch. He runs for the toy, comes back, drops it on my lap and... Pukes on me. Just out of nowhere, vomits all over my jeans. And then continues playing with his toy. What the fuck? Where the fuck did that come from? Why do you hate me?

Now, normally when he throws up, I suck it up like a man and clean that shit. But this time it was on me. I could feel its warmth. It was spreading across my leg like.... like vomit lava. And there was nothing I could do but sit there, and stare at Tito in shock. I couldn't completely register what had happened. And then it hit me.

I started gagging, trying so hard not to vomit on him in return. I jump up and run to the bathroom, getting most of it off so that I could take off my pants. And then I call Andrew and tell him about the tragedy I just went through. Even after I finished the story, I couldn't stop gagging.

I also had an extremely difficult time suppressing the urge to kill my fucking devil dog, starting up at me and wagging his tail. He looked at me with his big eyes, wiggling around wanting me to pick him up. He was so excited that he'd puked on me. He knew what he had done. He wasn't just being cute. He was excited about his latest victory. He knows.

I love Tito with all my heart and soul, and I wouldn't trade him for the world, but he is the devil. Fuck.

Words I Hate

I hate the fuck out of these words, all day, every day.

1. Moist. It sounds so dirty and sexual. "This cake is so moist." Did you pull it out of your vagina? No? Then it is not moist. It's delicious. But yet, it still is not a word that can be used sexually. "I'm so moist right now." So fucking awkward. All the fucking time. This word should never be used. Ever.
2. Penetrate. Again, another one that is much too sexual to be used in casual conversation, yet not sexual enough to be used in the bedroom. "I'm going to penetrate you." I'm going to kick you out of bed and put my pants on.
3. YOLO. No fuck you only live once! Did you not know that before? And the context in which it's used doesn't make any fucking sense. I only live once, and that's my excuse for fucking off and not taking anything-including my safety-seriously. So fucking stupid. How 'bout you say, "YOLO, so I wear my seatbelt." Now that would make some fucking sense.
4. Monies (I think I hate this word as much as my dad does, which is a lot). You sound like a toddler when you use this word. "Mommy, can I have some monies to go to the quarter machine and get a gumball?" No, but you can have a quarter.
5. Agua. It's water. It's mother fucking water, and you don't sound fancy or classy when you call it agua. You sound stuck-up and snotty, and annoying as fuck. Just stop.Okay?
6. Fart. This is a word that, unfortunately, I cannot cut out of my vocabulary. I could say pass-gas or flatulate, but seriously, those are just as bad. It sounds so dirty, and immature. "Oh guys, I just farted. Hahaha." God. Grow up.
7. Vehicle. Simply because I used to date this guy who was 1/2 mexican and whiter than me. Whenever he said 'vehicle' he would say it with a fake accent. So fucking annoying! Like, really? You don't look, act, or sound like a mexican. And fake accents are annoying as fuck. Stop it.
8. Derryberry. Yes, I know that's my last name, and I couldn't be prouder of it. The reason that I dislike it is simply because of the look people give me when I tell them my last name is Derryberry. And how they then ask me if i'm joking. And also the fact that I get laughed at. And that people are so fucking stupid that they stumble when they read it, because they don't know how to pronounce it. Really? You sound it out. It's not that hard. I love my name, I hate how people treat it.
9. World. I don't know why. Maybe because I struggle with pronouncing every letter. Try it. Say 'world' slowly and it sounds weird as fuck. I don't like it.

Songs I Don't Understand

1. 50 Ways to Say Goodbye-Train. Oh uh, ya my girlfriend broke up with me, but I am a conceited douche that doesn't want to admit that to people, so I'm going to lie to fucking everyone and tell her she's dead. Because obviously they will never find out the truth. And, because I think that all of my friends are stupid motherfuckers, all of the lies I make up are going to be ridiculous, and everyone is going to get a different story. What the fuck, Train?
2. Tik Tok- Ke$ha. Who the fuck brushes their teeth with alcohol? I feel like this would be counter-productive. Also, who the fuck thinks to themselves, "You know who I feel like? P fucking Diddy. That's who." Don't get me wrong, I really like Ke$ha. But this song makes absolutely no fucking sense. At all. Also, Ke$ha is a whorey-sleaze bag.
3. Firework- Katy Perry. You know, sometimes I wanna start my life over, 'cause I feel like a plastic fucking bag. You know that feeling? And then I think, fuck that! I'm no worthless little plastic bag, I'm a motherfucking firework. I'm no waste of space, I'm gonna show the world my colors and be awesome. All day, er'y day. So, fuck you. I'm awesome. Thanks, Katy Perry, for taking away my feeling of being a plastic bag. You know, 'cause everyone feels like a plastic bag sometimes.
4. For those of you who have seen The Great Mouse Detective, you know when they go in the bar, and the sexy mouse does the dance? Have you listened to the lyrics for that? That mouse is a slutty little whore, asking the men to let her take her clothes off for them, and make them happy. What? You're a little slut. And you do not belong in a childrens movie. If you have not seen this movie and have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about, go onto Netflix and watch it. It's definitely worth your time.
5. Screamo Rock Songs. I literally cannot understand them. Literally.
6. Alejandro-Lady Gaga. Ok. First off, who is Alejandro? And what the fuck do you want from him? And what about Fernando and Roberto? I can't decide if she's singing to a group of mexican strippers (maybe drug dealers), or if she's lost her fucking mind. So what if some girl has her hand in her pockets and isn't looking at you? And why is some girls boyfriend like her dad? Daddy issues? Is he really old or something? All I know, is I don't know what the fuck is going on. Fuck I'm so confused.

If you feel like I have excluded any songs, please leave them in the comments section.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

First off, I would like to share a picture with you. This is what greeted me when I got to work this morning, and I'm a little fucking worked up over it.

Ok. What the fuck? Seriously. Are you fucking retarded? Did you really just ask me that question? Yes? Well, you're fucking retarded and I hate you.

Ok, now you've seen the picture, and heard my reaction to it, it leads to today's topic: Respecting people's relationships. I cannot stand girls/guys who choose to hit on someone when they know that they have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Like, really? Are you that disrespectful towards relationships that you don't give a fuck about whether or not someone is in one? I don't understand this, and I also don't understand why people fall for it.

First off, like I said before, the people that over step the relationship boundaries by hitting on someone who's in a relationship obviously have no respect for relationships. (Fuck I said relationship a lot in that sentence.) If they hit on you and don't care about your relationship, what makes you think they will respect a relationship with you? Obviously, they have no boundaries. And if you think they do, you're fucking stupid. If they had an ounce of respect for you, they would leave you alone until you were single. And if you end up marrying the guy that you're dating instead of becoming single, then they will either move on or be forever alone.  But they didn't wait! They hit on you anyways! No respect! And, they can go fuck themselves.

Now, if you're in a relationship, and someone hits on you, you aren't supposed to respond by flirting back. Have some respect for yourself and the person you're in a relationship with! If you aren't happy with them and wanna date someone else, then fucking break up with them! Simple as that! Honestly! If someone hits on you, and you have the desire to respond flirtatiously, break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Yes, I know that's redundant but you need to hear this and get it through your little head. Otherwise, you're gonna end up a cheating whore/douche-bag (depending on your gender).

Do not hit on someone in a relationship. Do not respond to advances if you are in a relationship. Have some mother fucking respect, mother fuckers.

Shopping For Some Form Of Transportation

Fuck. I fucking hate car shopping. I don't dislike it, I fucking hate it. It's so hard.. There are so many questions you have to ask, and details you have to pay attention to. I went car shopping yesterday, and I am going to tell you about it, because it was so fucking frustrating. I wanted to shank everyone I came in contact with.

So first off, I have a low budget. I hate being poor-white-girl. It fucking sucks. Oh, you want a car that actually works? Too fucking bad, you're poor. Oh, you want something that's not going to fall apart while you're on the highway? That sucks, you can't fucking afford it! God. Seriously. It fucking sucks. And I swear, no one has respect for my budget.

"I want to stay below two grand if that's at all possible."

"I have a PT Cruiser for $6000."

No. That's triple my budget, you fuck tard. I hate you.

Secondly, as you know I live in Salt Lake. In the ghetto. So one of the biggest problems I had was finding a salesman who could speak and understand English.

"What kind of gas mileage does this car get?"

"It has 3 cylinder."

"NO.... What GAS MILEAGE?"

Fucking annoying when a salesperson cannot communicate with you.

Now, normally everyone complains about overbearing salesmen. Me? I got ignored. I waited for 20 minutes at one dealership, and even asked to speak to a salesperson, and still got ignored. What the fuck? Seriously? Fucking retarded. I need help! Ignoring me is getting you no business.

I think maybe I'm just going to get a bus pass, and walk everywhere. Because trying to find a car is fucking annoying. And hard. And I am a quitter! Yay for quitters! Fuck...

Be A Good Friend

Ok so today I want to talk about friendships. Now, I want to talk about this because I feel like the way people view thier 'friends' is fucked up. Beyond fucked up. There are so many people that will tell you I'm a bitch or a horrible friend because I didn't bull shit with them. I told them when they were being stupid, and if I wanted to say something about them to others, I would tell them first. That's what friends do.

First off, since when is it okay to talk about your 'friends?' If you dislike someone enough that you want to talk shit about them to everyone, then don't be their fucking friend! Simple as that. Everyone complains about people being 'two-faced bitched,' but you probably do the exact same thing that they're fucking doing. You have a problem with someone, you need to talk to them about it, not everyone else.

Secondly, if someone is your true friend, when they ask for advice or are doing something stupid, tell them the fucking truth! Don't stand by and let them make stupid decisions because that's what they want to do or what they want to fucking hear. If you care about them, you need to tell them what they NEED to hear, because that is what's best for them!

If someone is doing something hurtful to themselves or others around them, but wants you to keep it a secret, don't keep it a fucking secret! You need to tell someone so they can get help. I cannot tell you how grateful I am that my friend told my parents when I was hurting myself. It is because of her that I am here today. Thanks, for being a good friend. You are fucking awesome.

Do unto others as you would like done unto you. And don't take that sentence as a sexual inuendo. Perverts.