I Sold My Soul To The Devil



He looks all cute and innocent, but really he's the devil.



I swear Tito hates me. You guys have heard some of the stories, and heard what a little shit he is. Some of you have even seen this in action. Well, it's time for another Tito story. Oh, and if anyone is looking for a puppy... He's for sale. Not really. He's my baby. But I hate him today.

I hate Tito because he targets me. He's like a sniper, trying to kill me. That's his purpose in life. He loves everyone and is cute for everyone and then he fucks me over in any way possible. He eats my shoes, and the window sills in my apartment, and spreads my trash all over. And if I leave him at someone else's house? He's the best dog ever. That mother fucker...

So yesterday, I get home. I have a new sweater and collar for him, I pet him and play with him. I make sure he's fed and watered. He's being such a good dog, and I'm being the best dog mom ever. Seriously. He's so spoiled, and I'm so good to him. He brings me a toy and we're playing fetch. He runs for the toy, comes back, drops it on my lap and... Pukes on me. Just out of nowhere, vomits all over my jeans. And then continues playing with his toy. What the fuck? Where the fuck did that come from? Why do you hate me?

Now, normally when he throws up, I suck it up like a man and clean that shit. But this time it was on me. I could feel its warmth. It was spreading across my leg like.... like vomit lava. And there was nothing I could do but sit there, and stare at Tito in shock. I couldn't completely register what had happened. And then it hit me.

I started gagging, trying so hard not to vomit on him in return. I jump up and run to the bathroom, getting most of it off so that I could take off my pants. And then I call Andrew and tell him about the tragedy I just went through. Even after I finished the story, I couldn't stop gagging.

I also had an extremely difficult time suppressing the urge to kill my fucking devil dog, starting up at me and wagging his tail. He looked at me with his big eyes, wiggling around wanting me to pick him up. He was so excited that he'd puked on me. He knew what he had done. He wasn't just being cute. He was excited about his latest victory. He knows.

I love Tito with all my heart and soul, and I wouldn't trade him for the world, but he is the devil. Fuck.