There's a Hole In My Face

I did it. I pierced my nose. I feel like such a bad ass. Really I do. You don't just go and get a piercing without being a motherfucking bad ass! It doesn't work like that. Now, let me tell you the story.

So yesterday I was in this mood.. I can't describe this mood. It was weird as fuck and I only feel like this maybe twice a year. But when I get in this mood, I have to do something crazy. I have to go do something that I wouldn't do on a normal day. Yesterday, I decided that I would take that mood, and apply it to my face. And that's when I decided to get my nose piercing.

Now, I've wanted to for a long time. But I'm a fucking pussy, and could never talk myself into it. I always found an excuse (no time, no money, etc..) and pussied out. So yesterday, I finally got the balls and just did it.

I started at a tattoo parlor, because they used to do piercings. Just my luck, their piercing guy fucking quit. So, of course, they no longer did piercings there. Fuck. But wait! They gave me the address to a piercing shop and a phone number, and they called and got me a discount. Fuck yeah!

So I drive over to the piercing shop. I get out of my car and walk right in, confident as fuck. I'm such a badass, getting my nose pierced and shit. I swear to god, in that moment, I was the coolest person ever. So I fill out the paperwork and pick out my nose piercing and then it hit me. I was getting a needle shoved into my skin. Holy fuck.

I almost walked out right then. I almost ran away, forfeiting all of the badass points I had earned thus far, and pussied out. But I didn't. I stayed. I started shaking, and getting all clammy. How long will it take? Will it hurt? Fuck, what the fuck am I doing with my life?? Oh, god, I can't do this.. And then they call my name. They were ready for me.

I walk back to the piercing room. This is what I say- "Sorry if I start laughing hysterically, that's just what I do when I'm nervous." The guys face was priceless. You could tell what he was thinking. This adorable little girl walking in, probably doing the most rebel thing she could think of to spite her parents.. Wrong. I just wanted a piercing. But I was being a pussy about it.

He draws the dot where it'll be, puts the needle to my skin and BAM! Done. I look in the mirror. Oh jesus, there's a needle going through my mother fucking nose! And that's when the laughter starts. I'm trying so hard to suppress it, resulting in random snorts and body convulsions in place of the hysterical laughter. The guy that pierced me-Patrick-starts laughing at me. "Relax your face, I have to put the piercing in."

Now THAT was a weird feeling. But it was so cool. He finishes, and my eye starts to water. Oh god, I'm going to cry. I gained control, and only two tears were shed before I composed myself like the lady that I was. Ladies don't cry in public, you know. I look in the mirror, and couldn't be more pleased or proud of myself. I fucking did it. I put a hole in my face and shoved a diamond inside. Such a fucking bad ass.

I Hate Facebook

Oh, Facebook. I have a serious addiction. I really do. I'm constantly checking it for updates and notifications. It's fucking ridiculous. Especially considering how much I really hate it. There are so many things wrong with Facebook. Most of which are simply the people that use it. If you're gonna Facebook, at least be fucking smart about it.

First off, use fucking English. Ok? It's 'before' not B4. We speak English, not fucking bingo. Also, learn where to put a fucking comma! We went to school for 12 years, and you don't know how to use a comma, which can sometimes make understanding you extremely difficult. (See 'Grammar Freak Gone Wild' for more.)

Secondly, stop being fucking retarded! If you are going to say my name on Facebook, then fucking spell it correctly! It is written there in multiple places, right in front of your fucking face, and yet you still manage to spell it wrong! Really? Are you fucking retarded? I once had a guy message me, "Hey what's your name?" Are you fucking joking me? Really? Don't. Just... Don't.

"Like if you love your mom. Keep scrolling if you want her to die." What? Just because I don't 'like' this, doesn't mean I want my mom to die. Ok? And the worst part is that my 'friends' keep liking these pictures, and cluttering up my fucking news feed with them! Really? Are you guys that retarded? Jesus...

Oh. And the chain status'. 'If you don't repost this, you'll die tonight. If you do, your crush will kiss you tomorrow******************************" Fucking STOP! Sharing a status will not make things happen, and you're fucking retarded if you think it will! We are not 12 anymore, with chail e-mails and shit, so you need to calm the fuck down with these. They don't work, and they never will. Ok? Stop.

Also, people need to learn what is appropriate for Facebook. Do not post about your fight with your boyfriend or girlfriend. First off, no one wants to fucking hear it. Secondly, you're just adding fuel to the flame and making it worse by posting it for everyone to see! That shit should not be shared with the public! Learn how to handle your drama with the person you're fighting with, not everyone else! It's fucking childish and you need to grow the fuck up.

For those of you who have children, I love seeing the pictures. So cute. But I fucking hate hearing the complaints about how your kid won't sleep when you wants, and you can't party, and blah blah blah. Shut the fuck up and grow up. You have a kid. It's time to take on responsibility and act like it. Of course they won't sleep when you want! You should've seen that one coming. And if you can't handle it, you shouldn't have had a child! You were the one that had a child, so grow up and act like a fucking parent. 

Ok. That's all I have to say.

What Are You Wearing?

Have you ever looked at someone, and thought to yourself, "What in the fuck made that person look in the mirror today and think they look good?" I do that every day. All day, every day. Maybe I'm just a judgemental bitch. But really, people need to get their shit together. You are a grown person, and you have no awareness of yourself or your body, or what you look like when you leave the house. It's fucking ridiculous.

First off, I would like to enforce upon you this thought... LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. If they were pants, they would be called fucking pants. They are leggings, to be worn with dresses and skirts, and sometimes underneath actual pants to keep your legs worn. They are not actual fucking pants! You look like a ho.

If your fat is hanging out the bottom of your shirt, you need to get a longer shirt. That's fucking disgusting, and no one wants to see that. I really don't know what makes you think that it looks attractive in the first place! Really. Have some self awareness.

Now, while I'm on the subject of heavier people, if you are bigger, don't fucking wear short skirts and short shorts and shit. It is not attractive! At all! When I say this, most people tell me "at least they're confident." You can be confident, and still be aware of what flatters you and doesn't, and what your body looks like. Honestly.

If you cannot walk in heels, then don't fucking wear them!! You don't look 'hot' when you're stumbling around and wobbling all over the place. Okay? If you can't handle them, don't wear them. Period.

Now, the thing I probably understand the least is when someone's ass is hanging out of their pants. Yes, it happens to all of us. Your pants fall down and stretch out, and sometimes you don't pull them up in time. That's ok. But if I can see your ass every fucking second of every day, then you need to fucking get your shit together.

Now, I know some people may be offended by this or whatever, but I really don't give a fuck. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and this is mine. I've gotten some shit lately about people getting offended, and they can get the fuck over it. Again, if you don't like it, don't read it.

I Sold My Soul To The Devil



He looks all cute and innocent, but really he's the devil.



I swear Tito hates me. You guys have heard some of the stories, and heard what a little shit he is. Some of you have even seen this in action. Well, it's time for another Tito story. Oh, and if anyone is looking for a puppy... He's for sale. Not really. He's my baby. But I hate him today.

I hate Tito because he targets me. He's like a sniper, trying to kill me. That's his purpose in life. He loves everyone and is cute for everyone and then he fucks me over in any way possible. He eats my shoes, and the window sills in my apartment, and spreads my trash all over. And if I leave him at someone else's house? He's the best dog ever. That mother fucker...

So yesterday, I get home. I have a new sweater and collar for him, I pet him and play with him. I make sure he's fed and watered. He's being such a good dog, and I'm being the best dog mom ever. Seriously. He's so spoiled, and I'm so good to him. He brings me a toy and we're playing fetch. He runs for the toy, comes back, drops it on my lap and... Pukes on me. Just out of nowhere, vomits all over my jeans. And then continues playing with his toy. What the fuck? Where the fuck did that come from? Why do you hate me?

Now, normally when he throws up, I suck it up like a man and clean that shit. But this time it was on me. I could feel its warmth. It was spreading across my leg like.... like vomit lava. And there was nothing I could do but sit there, and stare at Tito in shock. I couldn't completely register what had happened. And then it hit me.

I started gagging, trying so hard not to vomit on him in return. I jump up and run to the bathroom, getting most of it off so that I could take off my pants. And then I call Andrew and tell him about the tragedy I just went through. Even after I finished the story, I couldn't stop gagging.

I also had an extremely difficult time suppressing the urge to kill my fucking devil dog, starting up at me and wagging his tail. He looked at me with his big eyes, wiggling around wanting me to pick him up. He was so excited that he'd puked on me. He knew what he had done. He wasn't just being cute. He was excited about his latest victory. He knows.

I love Tito with all my heart and soul, and I wouldn't trade him for the world, but he is the devil. Fuck.

Words I Hate

I hate the fuck out of these words, all day, every day.

1. Moist. It sounds so dirty and sexual. "This cake is so moist." Did you pull it out of your vagina? No? Then it is not moist. It's delicious. But yet, it still is not a word that can be used sexually. "I'm so moist right now." So fucking awkward. All the fucking time. This word should never be used. Ever.
2. Penetrate. Again, another one that is much too sexual to be used in casual conversation, yet not sexual enough to be used in the bedroom. "I'm going to penetrate you." I'm going to kick you out of bed and put my pants on.
3. YOLO. No fuck you only live once! Did you not know that before? And the context in which it's used doesn't make any fucking sense. I only live once, and that's my excuse for fucking off and not taking anything-including my safety-seriously. So fucking stupid. How 'bout you say, "YOLO, so I wear my seatbelt." Now that would make some fucking sense.
4. Monies (I think I hate this word as much as my dad does, which is a lot). You sound like a toddler when you use this word. "Mommy, can I have some monies to go to the quarter machine and get a gumball?" No, but you can have a quarter.
5. Agua. It's water. It's mother fucking water, and you don't sound fancy or classy when you call it agua. You sound stuck-up and snotty, and annoying as fuck. Just stop.Okay?
6. Fart. This is a word that, unfortunately, I cannot cut out of my vocabulary. I could say pass-gas or flatulate, but seriously, those are just as bad. It sounds so dirty, and immature. "Oh guys, I just farted. Hahaha." God. Grow up.
7. Vehicle. Simply because I used to date this guy who was 1/2 mexican and whiter than me. Whenever he said 'vehicle' he would say it with a fake accent. So fucking annoying! Like, really? You don't look, act, or sound like a mexican. And fake accents are annoying as fuck. Stop it.
8. Derryberry. Yes, I know that's my last name, and I couldn't be prouder of it. The reason that I dislike it is simply because of the look people give me when I tell them my last name is Derryberry. And how they then ask me if i'm joking. And also the fact that I get laughed at. And that people are so fucking stupid that they stumble when they read it, because they don't know how to pronounce it. Really? You sound it out. It's not that hard. I love my name, I hate how people treat it.
9. World. I don't know why. Maybe because I struggle with pronouncing every letter. Try it. Say 'world' slowly and it sounds weird as fuck. I don't like it.

Songs I Don't Understand

1. 50 Ways to Say Goodbye-Train. Oh uh, ya my girlfriend broke up with me, but I am a conceited douche that doesn't want to admit that to people, so I'm going to lie to fucking everyone and tell her she's dead. Because obviously they will never find out the truth. And, because I think that all of my friends are stupid motherfuckers, all of the lies I make up are going to be ridiculous, and everyone is going to get a different story. What the fuck, Train?
2. Tik Tok- Ke$ha. Who the fuck brushes their teeth with alcohol? I feel like this would be counter-productive. Also, who the fuck thinks to themselves, "You know who I feel like? P fucking Diddy. That's who." Don't get me wrong, I really like Ke$ha. But this song makes absolutely no fucking sense. At all. Also, Ke$ha is a whorey-sleaze bag.
3. Firework- Katy Perry. You know, sometimes I wanna start my life over, 'cause I feel like a plastic fucking bag. You know that feeling? And then I think, fuck that! I'm no worthless little plastic bag, I'm a motherfucking firework. I'm no waste of space, I'm gonna show the world my colors and be awesome. All day, er'y day. So, fuck you. I'm awesome. Thanks, Katy Perry, for taking away my feeling of being a plastic bag. You know, 'cause everyone feels like a plastic bag sometimes.
4. For those of you who have seen The Great Mouse Detective, you know when they go in the bar, and the sexy mouse does the dance? Have you listened to the lyrics for that? That mouse is a slutty little whore, asking the men to let her take her clothes off for them, and make them happy. What? You're a little slut. And you do not belong in a childrens movie. If you have not seen this movie and have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about, go onto Netflix and watch it. It's definitely worth your time.
5. Screamo Rock Songs. I literally cannot understand them. Literally.
6. Alejandro-Lady Gaga. Ok. First off, who is Alejandro? And what the fuck do you want from him? And what about Fernando and Roberto? I can't decide if she's singing to a group of mexican strippers (maybe drug dealers), or if she's lost her fucking mind. So what if some girl has her hand in her pockets and isn't looking at you? And why is some girls boyfriend like her dad? Daddy issues? Is he really old or something? All I know, is I don't know what the fuck is going on. Fuck I'm so confused.

If you feel like I have excluded any songs, please leave them in the comments section.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

First off, I would like to share a picture with you. This is what greeted me when I got to work this morning, and I'm a little fucking worked up over it.

Ok. What the fuck? Seriously. Are you fucking retarded? Did you really just ask me that question? Yes? Well, you're fucking retarded and I hate you.

Ok, now you've seen the picture, and heard my reaction to it, it leads to today's topic: Respecting people's relationships. I cannot stand girls/guys who choose to hit on someone when they know that they have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Like, really? Are you that disrespectful towards relationships that you don't give a fuck about whether or not someone is in one? I don't understand this, and I also don't understand why people fall for it.

First off, like I said before, the people that over step the relationship boundaries by hitting on someone who's in a relationship obviously have no respect for relationships. (Fuck I said relationship a lot in that sentence.) If they hit on you and don't care about your relationship, what makes you think they will respect a relationship with you? Obviously, they have no boundaries. And if you think they do, you're fucking stupid. If they had an ounce of respect for you, they would leave you alone until you were single. And if you end up marrying the guy that you're dating instead of becoming single, then they will either move on or be forever alone.  But they didn't wait! They hit on you anyways! No respect! And, they can go fuck themselves.

Now, if you're in a relationship, and someone hits on you, you aren't supposed to respond by flirting back. Have some respect for yourself and the person you're in a relationship with! If you aren't happy with them and wanna date someone else, then fucking break up with them! Simple as that! Honestly! If someone hits on you, and you have the desire to respond flirtatiously, break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Yes, I know that's redundant but you need to hear this and get it through your little head. Otherwise, you're gonna end up a cheating whore/douche-bag (depending on your gender).

Do not hit on someone in a relationship. Do not respond to advances if you are in a relationship. Have some mother fucking respect, mother fuckers.

Shopping For Some Form Of Transportation

Fuck. I fucking hate car shopping. I don't dislike it, I fucking hate it. It's so hard.. There are so many questions you have to ask, and details you have to pay attention to. I went car shopping yesterday, and I am going to tell you about it, because it was so fucking frustrating. I wanted to shank everyone I came in contact with.

So first off, I have a low budget. I hate being poor-white-girl. It fucking sucks. Oh, you want a car that actually works? Too fucking bad, you're poor. Oh, you want something that's not going to fall apart while you're on the highway? That sucks, you can't fucking afford it! God. Seriously. It fucking sucks. And I swear, no one has respect for my budget.

"I want to stay below two grand if that's at all possible."

"I have a PT Cruiser for $6000."

No. That's triple my budget, you fuck tard. I hate you.

Secondly, as you know I live in Salt Lake. In the ghetto. So one of the biggest problems I had was finding a salesman who could speak and understand English.

"What kind of gas mileage does this car get?"

"It has 3 cylinder."

"NO.... What GAS MILEAGE?"

Fucking annoying when a salesperson cannot communicate with you.

Now, normally everyone complains about overbearing salesmen. Me? I got ignored. I waited for 20 minutes at one dealership, and even asked to speak to a salesperson, and still got ignored. What the fuck? Seriously? Fucking retarded. I need help! Ignoring me is getting you no business.

I think maybe I'm just going to get a bus pass, and walk everywhere. Because trying to find a car is fucking annoying. And hard. And I am a quitter! Yay for quitters! Fuck...

Be A Good Friend

Ok so today I want to talk about friendships. Now, I want to talk about this because I feel like the way people view thier 'friends' is fucked up. Beyond fucked up. There are so many people that will tell you I'm a bitch or a horrible friend because I didn't bull shit with them. I told them when they were being stupid, and if I wanted to say something about them to others, I would tell them first. That's what friends do.

First off, since when is it okay to talk about your 'friends?' If you dislike someone enough that you want to talk shit about them to everyone, then don't be their fucking friend! Simple as that. Everyone complains about people being 'two-faced bitched,' but you probably do the exact same thing that they're fucking doing. You have a problem with someone, you need to talk to them about it, not everyone else.

Secondly, if someone is your true friend, when they ask for advice or are doing something stupid, tell them the fucking truth! Don't stand by and let them make stupid decisions because that's what they want to do or what they want to fucking hear. If you care about them, you need to tell them what they NEED to hear, because that is what's best for them!

If someone is doing something hurtful to themselves or others around them, but wants you to keep it a secret, don't keep it a fucking secret! You need to tell someone so they can get help. I cannot tell you how grateful I am that my friend told my parents when I was hurting myself. It is because of her that I am here today. Thanks, for being a good friend. You are fucking awesome.

Do unto others as you would like done unto you. And don't take that sentence as a sexual inuendo. Perverts.

I'm A Loser

Sorry I'm posting this so late in the day. I know, I suck. Get over it. Anyways, today I am having some troubles thinking of a subject to blog about, but I'm in a fucking creative mood, and I wanna write a blog. So what the fuck do I do now? Let me tell you what the fuck I do now! I'm going to tell you a story about my life, and how I fail at everything.

Me, Playing Mario Kart
Drunk, By Myself. And
Winning. Thank God.

So, it all started a couple months ago. I was at my friends house, and I was drunk. Now, I don't ever win video games. I suck at them. Bad. Like, I might as well just fucking unplug my controller, because that would probably give me a better chance of winning than I have when I'm controlling the game. So anyways, I wanted to play some Mario Kart, but I didn't want to play with anyone. Why? Because I knew I would fucking lose. So, I turn on the game, put it on two player, and play by myself so I could win. I'm such a fucking loser. Seriously. Who does that? Me. At least I can say I won that round. Unfortunately, I cannot say this for every time I've cheated like that.

So the other day, I was playing Mario Kart with Andrew and his brother John. Both of them had to leave the room for a minute, so I started a new race. I just wanted to get first place one time. Just once. That's all I wanted. I get about one lap through the race, and Andrew comes in. He sees what I'm doing and picks up his controller. Now remember, I have one lap between us. An entire fucking lap! And you know what? I STILL FUCKING LOST!! How the fuck does that even happen?? HOW?? I was so mad. Here I am, someone who can't win at fucking anything, dating someone who wins at fucking everything. This makes for some low self-esteem when it comes to my winning skills.

It fucking blows to lose all the time. I just want to win one thing in my life. And I try so hard. I cheat, I play nice, I do all the tricks I can, and still, I lose. Every  fucking time. I swear, it is fucking impossible for me to win at anything. Playing gold fish against a three year old? Racing on scooters against a seven year old? I guarantee I will still fucking lose.

Maybe one day, the gods will grace me with a moment of glory. Maybe. But I doubt it. Always and forever a loser. Fuck me.

Free Trash

I often browse the classifieds at work. I get bored, and think, "Hey. I wonder what awesome shit I can find in the classifieds."  Today, I started browsing the free section, and let me tell you something.. People try to give away some really weird- and usually useless- shit in the classified. I'm going to bring some of these stupid fucks to your attention. You're welcome. I have bolded the titles of the ads for you. You know, to make it easier in case you are 'tarded.

1. A breast pump. A USED breast pump. What the fuck, you nasty!! Get that out of the classifieds. That's disgusting.
2. Plastic hangers (from the store). Really? Those useless pieces of shit fuck up my shopping experience, I do not want them in my home as well.
3. 1 Drawer (I do not have the dresser that goes with it.) What? You're selling one drawer, with nothing to put it in? Throw that shit away, motherfucker.
4. Depends Underwear (to nursing homes only). This lady had cases of depends underwear. But she would only give them to responding nursing homes.. Why doesn't she just drive them to the nursing home herself? Lazy fuck.
5. Free Frog. In case you need a friend for your fish.
6. 8 or 10 Empty Used Formula Containers. That shit should have gone in the trash the minute it was empty. Hoarder!
7. Broken Car Seat. You dumb ass. You realize it's broken and, and case of a car crash, will save the life of zero children, right?
8. Water Bottle Holder. Ya, it was one of those ones you find at the dollar store, that fits a water bottle inside and has a shoulder strap. It will cost more in gas to go pick it up, then it will to buy a new one at the fucking dollar store.
9. Glasses Case. For prescription glasses/sunglasses. What the hell?
10. Happy New Year! This person seriously put up an advertisement to say happy new year, and to tell everyone to be safe. Thank you, kind soul, for your concern. You are an angel.

I'm having a really hard time understanding why these people even went through the trouble of posting this shit on KSL. Really? I'm 99% sure that all of these people are hoarders. Who else would keep their empty formula containers and broken car seats? However, I would like to thank these dumb asses for making my day a lot more entertaining. So, thank you, you stupid fucks. But, I am suprised no sluts were on there, advertising their bodies. Way to stay classy, Utah.

Fat Girl Problems, Without Being Fat

It Started Young... Yes, That's
Brownie Batter. Don't Judge.

Okay, so I feel like I have a problem. Seriously. I cannot stop fucking eating. If I don't have food in my hands at all times, I go crazy. I know. I sound like such a fatty. I haven't gained weight from it, I am not obese or overweight in any way, and I am not some crazy over-eater that needs therapy. I just always want to eat. It's horrible.

Now, I know this is a problem. Obviously. I'm going to be five hundred fucking pounds by the time I'm twenty.. Which is only two months away. Whatever. I don't care. Honestly, I really don't care. I eat what I want, when I want. I know that one day, this will catch up to me. But for now, I do what I fucking want. Apparently, others are not okay with this.

I cannot tell you how many times people have come up to me at work and said something about my diet. "You're gonna get diabetes." 

"I can't wait 'til your eating habits catch up to you." 

"Here, let me draw you a graph of your blood sugar levels." 

You know what, people? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! This is one of the most irritating things to me. You aren't my mother, and you are in no way affected by my eating habits. Honestly, people. Leave me the fuck alone. I do what I want. 

Mmmmm... Apple Pie.
Fuck, Yeah.

Now, there is one lady in particular that really agitates me when she says something about my eating habits. She is a really nice lady, and I really liked her until she came along with her little blood sugar graph, talking to me about diabetes and shit. Want to know why? Because this lady has no room to fucking talk. She is over weight. No question about it. And yet, she has the nerve to waddle over to my cubicle and lecture ME about MY eating habits? Lady, please. Don't. Just FUCKING don't.

I understand. Maybe these people are trying to look after me or some shit. But you know what? I don't give a fuck what your reason is. Do not interrupt my delicious snack to ruin it with your talk of fat and cholesterol and how it's all gonna catch up to me one day. Really. I was enjoying that doughnut... and chocolate... and chips... until you came over and ruined it for me. So. From now on, leave me the fuck alone so I can enjoy my snack.

I Hate Dog Treats

First off, I would like to say Happy New Year! I was going to write a blog on New Years morning, shortly after ringing in the new year, but I was extremely intoxicated and I don't feel like it would have made any sense. So, it's a good thing I didn't.

So yesterday started off really good. I woke up (only slightly hungover) and went to breakfast at Denny's, which was fucking delicious. Then we came home to watch a movie. We opened the door, and at first all seemed normal. Then we saw it. Tito had gotten into his dog treats, and eaten an entire fucking bag of them. The first thing Andrew says is, "Awe little puppy, you're gonna get diarrhea today." Fuck. Boy, was he right.

It took a while, and I started to think that Tito would be okay and not get sick. He's walking around the living room, playing with his toys. He jumps on the couch, curls into a ball, and then it happens. He fucking pukes all over the pillow. What the fuck?? Why the fuck did you go on the couch to do that? Shit. So, I pick him up and take him to the kitchen, so that he's off of the carpet. I look down, and there's another pile of puke on the floor. What the fuck? When the fuck did that get there??

At this point, I start to get pissed. This dog fucking puked on my pillow and on the fucking carpet! You've got to be fucking joking me! So, I put him in the kitchen, grab the cleaning stuff, and turn around. And guess what? Tito had gone into the living room, and was taking a fucking shit on the carpet. Fuck! I don't even care. He is in the middle of taking a shit, and I pick him up and throw him at Andrew. Take that little mother fucker outside before he shits more on the carpet! Now, to understand why I interrupted Tito in the middle of his shit, I have to explain. This was not a normal shit. Those treats made him sick as a fucking dog (pun intended). There was no way I could ever get it out of the carpet if I let him continue. 

So, Andrew takes the little shit outside, and I start to clean up this mess. At this point I fucking hate Tito. Seriously. I do not want him back in my house. The mess is so disgusting. I'm trying to clean and I'm throwing up and I'm crying. I'm so distraught. Fuck this dog and fuck his dog treats. And then Andrew comes in...

"Babe, Tito is shivering. Can we please come in? Oh, and he threw up again so can you get his water?"

Are you FUCKING joking me? He shit and puked on my carpet, he is still throwing up, and you want me to let him back in the fucking house? NO. Take him outside. Now. Before I shank both of you.

I finish getting the messed cleaned up, and Andrew brings Tito inside."Babe, he had diarrhea and shit all over his fur, so you need to give him a bath." Oh, my god. I cannot do this. But, of course, I do. I give Tito a bath,  get him all cleaned up, and he rolls up into a ball on my bed, and falls asleep. Thank God. It's over. Tito and Andrew are both asleep, and the mess is cleaned. It's over. And everyone is still alive, and unharmed. 

I am so happy it's done. So happy. I still love Tito, and of course he's allowed in the house again. But I swear to god, I will never give Tito another treat as long as I live.